bizarrities

Well here we are again, after another week of "ooh i might do a little blogging now" and then being distracted by a passing fly/small child/im a celebrity get me out of here... i arrive at the inevitable sunday morning slump. Perfection.

I am awake. I have walked the dog. I am still yet to shower (gross?! meh. i rock the bed-head look... im chanelling my inner electrocution) But i feel the urge to blog. Yup... its there people. you cant resist the urge, to herbal.... (wait isnt that a shampoo advert?! Hmm, maybe this is a hidden cosmic sign that i should wash my hair?! Naaaah. beauty can wait!) After all, sundays are my slob days. the days i dont have to see anyone (mum is away at her fair till tonight, i saw the boy yest...) and the dog doesnt care if i look like skank on a stick. its all gooooood :-)

octopus head

So back on track. This week.... Oh lordy. its been another one of those, fly by so fast that your pants catch a chill from the passing breeze! When will i get a chance to stop and smell the roses dammit?! MAN i cannot wait till the xmas holidays when i can catch some actual zzz's. But then i also have to deal with all the other shizz. Im both fearful and excited for it at the same time. it makes for some major brain confusion....

I always thought car adverts were lame, but this one rocks my socks

:-)

After last weeks hideous therapy appt. i all but gave up on trying this week, now i wanna stop you here before you read on and say if you are easily triggered, you might wanna pass on this post. Its not espeically BAD, but i havent beem very good at the whole, YAY for food, eat eat eat. type shenanigans.... so sorry. but anyways. ONWARDS.

i focused most of my attention on my lesson observation on weds and didnt really put much thought to my personal well-being or anything. If anything, ill admit, i have been kindof getting off on the restricting thing. It made me feel in control and powerful, and i needed a bit of that to give me confidence for this obs. It went well :-) Then it got to thurs and i was so grump-filled with myself and my team for being so sh*t the other day, that i rang up my T and asked to move my appt forwards to this week.... surprise surprise "thats not possible..." BAH! so i changed it to monday (tomo) im pretty sure i will have lost weight. And in a bad way, i think i have done it purposely to say to the therapist. SEE, your not doing your job properly. you should be DOING SOMETHING. now i know that is selfish.. cos this isnt their fight, its mine. and i know that, but im stubborn and i think stupidly i want to teach them a lesson. DONT just give up on people and make them think that they dont deserve help..... cos it will bite you on the ass!

Stupid, silly me.

But once i get a dumb plan in my head, its hard to break. So on monday im thinking im gonna say maybe this therapy thing isnt working anymore. Cos i have to be honest, everytime i go... i leave thinking "what did i achieve from that?" and more often that not, im at a loss for an answer :-( I go in, get weighed, he asks me about my week/2weeks and we chat sh*t. then i say "yup, yup, must try harder... see you soon" Blah Blah Blaaaaah and i go home... we have ZERO structure, ZIP! no plan, no freaking idea! im sure therapy is supposed to be more than this. basically the only reason i end up going is to see where my weights at, and since i dont wanna start getting fixated on that as the sole focus (i dont weigh myself outside of that appt, i cant really be bothered) maybe thats not a good enough reason to keep going.... what are your thought?

What does therapy mean to you?

What kindof things do you do in your appts??

I just feel like there should be some kindof targets. some challenges, something for me to DO instead of just discussing what i havent done all week.... cos its always the same. im not changing cos im not being given any motivation to change. its bloody hard to do it on your own, especially if you own treatment team dont seem to think its important.

Hmmm.

I think i know now what i need to do to get better. I have been given the meal plans, the advice, the reassurance that i wont suddenly gain a stone in a week.... I know it all. Its just a case of DOING it. Well maybe its time to address this matter hans-solo? I have the support of the boy, the mumatron and friends. Can i do better on my own?

What are your experiences of recovering solo Vs with a treatment team?

I dunno, im just gonna see what monday brings and decide then i guess.... I cant really get my head of this silly funk till ive had it out with them. THEN the plan goes into action. and please dont say the whole "why put it off, start today thing. i KNOW thats what i shud do. but i get a date in my head (eg monday, after ive had it out in therapy) and i wont be able to pull forwards till ive done it. its warped, i know. but at least its only a day away. im sick of this already, it was NOT a smart plan. ill give you that. what am i proving anyway. clearly the therapists dont care if ive tried to "make a statement" or not. im only hurting myself. i know that. but im an aries, dammit. stubborn as a ram.

On the good side, i had another lovely day with the boy yesterday :-) we mooched around town, did some xmas shopping and then had our usual 2hour slump in costa with the free papers, till the staff get pissed off and we run out giggling! then a nice walk back home through the park in the dark and an evening watching tv while i get a (very nice thankyou very much) backrub! hahahaha. im such a diva, im always like... "ooh, my back/feet/neck hurts, can you massage it purleeeease". works like a charm :-)

we passed this "homemade" fudge shop.

Mmm, christmas LOG anyone?!!?

trust me to wanna poke it!!!

Even tho im still getting the irritable thing for the first part of our dates, its decreased to the first 20mins or so now, so thats an improvement!!! i really dont know why i do it, i think just cos im just down on myself i take it out on him? Grr. its annoying and its not fair, but at least he is understanding. to be fair i AM nice to him the rest of the time!!! so by the end of the date, we're all happy smiley mushtimes.... sickening isnt it?! :-p

Im looking forwards to spending some proper time with him this holiday. ive already told him im preparing to get SUPER into the xmas vibes this year. my family (or lack thereof) dont really bother, so since his do... im gonna bring it! i dont think im gonna stay for the actual event (might be abit awkward for our first official meeting!!!) but i will def go and stay for a few days- a week before or after, depending if im being forced on the family abroad trip or not. Im excited! i like being with him :-) And he is planning lots of fun stuff for us to do, nice cosy boardgame nights and walks in the woods with his new puppy... it sounds perfect! and ive decided that after monday, after this silly "game" im playing with my restriction and control. after ive therapied out.... im done.

I want to embrace this recovery wholeheartedly. MY way. i want to start giving up the habits, letting go of the rigidity. giving myself what i want and need. making myself happy again, like i know i can be...

Cos I get snippets of what life could be like, especially when im with the boy and im chilled out from my usual weekday madness! and y'know what... it makes me happy. All the other nonsense is all part of the ED, im sure of it. Well i want out.... i want to be happy and involved and not withdrawn and obsessed with food. I had so much fun just being out and about and not worrying about that stuff. and i KNOW he can help me get that for real, not just a glimpse.... so im going for it! I dont care about my "perfectly flat stomach" or my "amazing self-control" anymore. It didnt make me happy, so whats it all worth anyway? i dont wanna look back on my life and think "Go me, i resisted eating that piece of cake" or realise that i walked myself into a skeleton and damaged my body beyond repair... thats nothing to be proud of! I want to remember laughter, love and friendship.

Its time to be thankful for second (or third, or FOURTH!) chances....

What are you thankful for? and was it worth the fight?

Happy weekend everyone.

Lets be grateful for what we are not what we THINK we should be!

xx