weirdy

Thankyou for your comments on the last post, i loved reading your responses about the pack a mac....! who knew it was such an unknown unrecognised garment!! it especially made me chuckle to think of some of you guys googling it to find out what it was!! too funny :-)

good old Google, it always has the answer!

Now im in a bit of an odd mood today, i have been since yesterday.... im very confused and a little bit self-loathing! But i better try and explain why.

Its the boy.

Gah, i really dont know what to do. Its like i KNOW my ED has an effect on the way i view relationships and all that. But ive had this uneasy sense that im not actually sure if i really WANT to be with him, y'know.... Its like, on paper he seems perfect. He's understanding, he cares about me, he even gives me footrubs!!! :-p But something doesnt feel right.

head-jumble!

I dismissed this quite a few times as me just being silly and not wanted to commit to anything (i hold my hands up... i prefer the chase! but im not much good at the longterm relationship thing) But i dont know if thats it. I think ive just been thinking, oh i should be thinking about settling down and stop chasing boys around etc. I mean, im not 19 anymore!!!! But as much as id like to "settle down" do i really want to just "settle"???

Which leads me to this weekend. Lastnight I arranged to go out with a group of friends, there was gonna be a few people about and so we would be able to flit from group to group. Cool Beans, right? Hmm. I guess it started off abit weirdly cos my mum and her friend said they anted to see 'bad teacher' at the cinema and asked if i/we wanted to come. i REALLY wanted to see the film!! (if only to pick up a few tips off of Cameron Diaz, hehe) so i agreed. I guess this was a little hard on the boy as it meant he was abit unprepared. but its not like its a big deal! He was obviously nervous, but it just seemed like every little thing that he did annoyed me. When we stopped off at mine, he spilt tea all over the floor... then when we got to the film, he kept mumbling all these silly film quotes and trying too hard to be funny... it just irked me.

I know, i KNOW. i sound like a total b*tch right now. Believe me, i feel like one too. GAAAD whats wrong with me? why do i have to be so damn critical? its not his fault he was nervous and this made him act like a tool! But it just reminded me that its not the first time ive got annoyed with him, for no particular reason.... and that just doesnt sit right with me (cos believe it or not, i generally dont think im a total cowbag, but i guess when you feel like you SHUD be feeling a certain way, you rebel and go the other way.... i guess you cant fight what you dont feel) I dont know, i just think that maybe....

urrh this sounds so big headed....

dont hate me!

i think he likes me more than i like him :-(

I dont think he "challenges" me enough. he lets me get away with stuff and then apologises FOR me. He says sorry too much and then blames himself for me being a grump... i need someone to stand up to me and say "HEY, stop being such an ass-hat!!"

.....but he doesnt.

And at the pub, he kept just hovering over me and not saying anything, but looking all pathetic. I was chatting to some of my friends (yes, they are guys. i have alot of guy friends. this does NOT mean i am going to sleep with them! i dont need a watcher to check up on me!) and he kept trying to muscle in and take me away. this was NOT cool for me. Im used to being a single girl who can do what she wants, TALK to who she wants. i do not want to feel like i have to hide away so that my boyfriend doesnt feel threatened. i feel bad saying it, but i just kindof wished he wasnt there.....

ARGHHGHGGHGHG!!!!!

i needed that

So there you are. Confusion.

Has anyone else had this kindof situation??

I just feel like maybe im not ready to embark on a relationship right now.... with anyone. I really enjoyed being able to chat with people and yeah, maybe flirt a little bit. but totally HARMLESS flirting. just banter.... but then i felt like maybe i shouldnt be doing that now. it confused me and made me feel guilty.

I have enough guilt swirling in my head with all the ED shizz. maybe what i need to do is take a step back. focus on me. build my confidence by being single and being able to do what i want... NOT having to "be" a certain way in case i hurt someones feelings. What do you think???

Im gonna leave it for now and see how i feel in a couple of days. it could be stress, i AM pretty tired... so maybe its that. But this weirdy feeling in my gut tells me its not just something to brush under the carpet and forget about.

back to work tomo. yippeeee!

ill be glad of something to distract my busy mind! its the seniors sports day, so i have the morning free to start on my reports and get some well-needed prep/marking done! Hope you've all had a lovely weekend and here's to another manic monday!