bluesday

HMpfh. i am NOT a happy bunny today.... :-(

Now i know that isnt the most enticing opening and i can fully understand if you're thinking "here we go...." and close this puppy down in favour of something a little more upbeat... maybe with some pretty pictures and smiley faces (this is a wordy post, no pics here today!) but one of the main reasons i have a blog is so that i can try to be honest about what im going through. Both with you guys and with myself. no sugar coating!

but we all have bad days, right... and boy am i having one.

Ok, so i havent posted since the weekend and wowzers was i busy! i went out on the friday night and what can i say... i had a BLAST. i was abit worried to start with cos it was out of my usual routine, id been working all week and was tired, blah blah blah. heard it all before! But i sucked it up and off i went. It was a really nice warm evening and i wore a skirt :-) I was feeling good cos last weekend when i went out, it had been raining and my hair was all poofy, now call me vain, but NOBODY likes it when theyre out and they dont feel like they look ok. i rarely feel like i look ok anyway cos of this whole walking skeletor thing (more on that laterrrr) but my hair was doing ok and i went out head held high :-)

I hung at the pub with two of my guy friends until more people started showing up. it put me at ease catching up and getting into the swing of things early on, cos by the time everyone was out i was on fire! cracking jokes and bantering about like old times. im lucky to have a great group of guy friends and i really dont mind being the only girl in the gang! they never make it an issue so ive never even thought about it... (altho they do occasionally object when i try to paint their nails... only sometimes tho! after a few beers theyre totes open to it!!!)

Right, so yeah. a damn good eve. now i hate to point out the factor in this equation that made this night different from the last weekend's night out... but basically, its simple.

the boy wasnt there.

Ahhhh i know. its not his FAULT that night went boobies up. but it did. and it made me think about what i want.... who i am.... and all that good old funtimes, nostalgic stuff.

I want to be able to find myself again, be the old happy me that i was before all this. and to do that, i need to be selfish. i need to go out and flirt and muck about and do whatever the hell i like without feeling guilty or upsetting someone. So i did alot of thinking over the weekend.... and i told him straight. id kindof hinted at it last week. but i didnt want to be concrete clear until id given myself time to mull it over, so i let it hang. But i dont think time is gonna help me right now, im a procrastinator at heart and id drag something on forever, even if it didnt feel right. So i think ive made the right choice.... i wanna focus on ME right now, and relationships can come when im more comfortable with myself and who i am. cos at the moment, i dont really have an identity, i feel like ive been so wrapped up in this disorder that ive lost my personality. lost my sparkle. and i wanna make sure i have that back before i start anything serious....

SO, that made me abit blue. Not cos im upset, but just cos ive realised that this battle is gonna be a long and hard one. i keep thinking "oh i can do this... i just need to eat more" but its just sooooo much more than that. And today was another reminder that im still so far from being ok, in fact im barely scraping the surface :-(

Eats wise, ive been ok. well i like to think im doing ok, but when i look at how well other people are tackling recovery, jumping in feet first, braving fear foods and being as non-active as possible... it makes me feel like a sham. IM NOT OKAY cos im not gaining. im kidding myself.

i still get a kick out of eating less and being active. i cant deny it. i have rigid routines that i find very difficult to break and i also find it very hard to eat more than other people...

Today was a prime example. it'd been a busy morning at school and i had a lunchbreak detention duty to cover, which was fine. but it mucks my usual routine of walking into town to get lunch. now this wasnt a major deal cos i had the afternoon off so i COULD go in after. but i thought, ill go after the duty and then have lunch later. (not good, ED thinks lunchtime is gone and so i dont need it) so im a little on edge already, BUT as i walk about town, i keep looking at all the healthy, happy, CURVY girls wearing shorts and dresses and then i get a glimpse of myself, all angles and bones (not very) disguised by a long sleeved top and baggy trousers. who am i fooling?? myself?? certainly not the people around me. i can see their stares, i hear the whispers. BUT I CANT SEEM TO BREAK FREE. its so frustrating. im thinking RIGHT, time to go get a slice of cake to eat with lunch.... but by the time i get back to my mums shop, all she's had for her lunch is some celery, a bit of hummus and a peach.

uh-oh, hang on....HERE WE GOOoOOOoO!!

ARGHgGAgHGHghGHGhHAHhGHAHhGHAHhGHhHGgh! how am i supposed to eat when i see that?!?!?!? i KNOW i shouldnt compare but oh my god its so hard not to. Anxiety is in full force now. i dont want my lunch, i CERTAINLY dont want cake. i get angry with mum. i feel like shit. it starts to rain. i feel worse.

i DO eat my lunch. I know i have to, but i dont enjoy it much. Its less than i would normally have, cos i didnt get a snacky/dessert type thing, but even then it feels like a FEAST. i feel horrible for getting mad at my mum. i hate that i cant just eat normally. i hate that i cant BE normal. i just want the old me back....

the rain stops and i walk home with the dog. i feel like i shouldnt be walking anyway but i am. the rain starts again and it FULL ON buckets down. i feel like this is karma. maybe i deserve it.

i am soaked.

Now ive just got in and i feel like the rain has spoiled my walk and therefore my exercise doesnt count. i KNOW it does. its exactly the same walk i do everyday. yet i am consumed by this demon telling me i shouldnt have a snack, should have a light dinner. i need to put things in perspective.

WHY?

Cos there are gonna be days when i have bursting positivity and eat much more and STILL think "its not enough, i should eat more-YAY food". but then there are days like this, when i find even the tiniest little thing a massive hurdle and all i wanna do is give up. Urhh, why is it so hard... why, when i was doing so well and feeling so up, have i suddenly had this stupid blip and crashed?

I am going to have my snack and my dinner and screw ED. but i dont think i can push myself alone anymore. therapy is fine, but i dont feel like he's giving me any answers and nobody is making me eat so its all down to me. and YES, i know i have to want to do it and nobody can make me but me... but i DO want it, i just cant seem to make my head and my body correspond... the ED is still controlling me. Its not enough to want it if im not doing it... putting wants into action is harder than it seems. i dont know what to eat, im scared of my body not redistributing properly, i freakout at the idea of unknown "junky" foods... lets face it. im not challenging myself much, im being a wuss.

Im sorry if this has been a switch up from the happy me of late. but im only human and sometimes humans feel like crap! I am going to push through today, i know if i let ED get the better of this bad day, tomo will be even harder.

Any encouragment/advice/kicks up the backside would be much appreciated. I need you guys right now......

Hopefully back with a better mood tomo! (im optimistic.... i CAN do this) its all about the fight in the end and if i want to have my life back, ive gotta damn well fight for it.