monday funday, tuesday... bluesday?!?

UH-OH... time is flying by again.

Can someone please press pause, i need to catch my breath a minute!!!

This weekend has been good times a plenty (with a few sad'uns too, just to balance out....)

I went upto london for my last weekend with my american girls and as usual, we had a blast. But this time it was special, cos it was the last blast (at least for a while) so it felt like i wanted to soak up every minute!

Saying goodbye is always hard, but its not so much a goodbye.... as a see ya later! They have helped me sooo much, i feel like me again. Sure i still have alot of issues and im far from recovered... but i feel abit more human. i feel like ive found myself again, its made me want more from life.... and its made me want to kick this ED for good!

So, i have been running with this new social me and hanging out with my home-friends alot more lately too. I still feel bad for always bailing out on them, but im making steps to re-joining the group. I still find it hard to be with the whole group, cos so many changes have happened since i was a genuine member of the "group".... so i feel kindof like i dont belong anymore. But hanging with my boys yesterday and then going to the cinema today made me realise, that they still like me for me. cos i AM still me!!! and instead of being scared of going to our old haunts and feeling different. it felt good!!! it was like old-times, i hope we can do more stuff now that im feeling more confident. i just worry abit cos i started to feel abit like "i wasnt really sick"... cos if im going out and doing stuff and i dont feel like people arent staring at me and thinking how thin i look, then i cant be sick right?!?! WRONG. clearly im still very distorted in my perception of myself. its like when im not in my ED slump, i think im free of it. but im not cos im still restricting, still exercising and still thinking about it. It still dominates my thoughts constantly and i feel like im still prioritising it, but just making it fit into more things. like today, i had breakfast late, as i was rushing to get ready, so i didnt have lunch. but id already done my morning stretches and rushed to the supermarket so mum didnt have to when she came home late and tired, so i had been on the go all morning with nothing fuelling me.... not good! but then again, i use this as an excuse not to be thinking about eating more and moving less (which freaks me out) so by helping others again, im avoiding helping myself. this is a BIG PROBLEM for me.

So even tho id been active all morning and yes, had breakfast... but no lunch. i was feeling guilty for sitting in a cinema screen watching a film when i shud be moving. GAH its so annoying! ive been telling myself ill cut down to just 30mins walking a day. but i have yet to conquer this. I have been telling myself its cos i havent got the moped yet, but i dont know why im waiting. i guess im delaying it again. but what happens when i get the moped.... will i be able to use that without feeling guilty for not walking?? probably not :(

In the meantime, ive got my bike out cos i can cycle to work in half the time that i walk. but then ED hops in and says, well then thats not ENOUGH is it?!?! you shud be doing the same time (even tho its the same distance??? ED you are WHACK) so im trying to get over that. im sure someone said that its the same per distance, just that it takes longer to walk. but to me, time means more. cos if its shorted, then ED says it counts as less exercise. silly really.....

So, sorry that went a bit depressing there!!! im actually in a positive place right now, i just get upset that im so inconsistent with it. I will try harder this week as im back to work tomo and i know ill be more active so ill need to eat more. Im getting better at eating my full 3 meals and snacks. but i DO still feel guilt at eating more (especially after ive scarfed 5 bowls of cereal as a bedtime snack) but hey, this is how it goes....

Nobody said recovery was easy!

cos if it was, i probably wouldnt be challenging myself properly....

But damn. its hard work!

I have therapy on thurs, which means weigh-in too.... its been two weeks since my last sesh, so im interested to see whats going down weight wise. But i know i need to start upping my game in this, cos i dont have much to talk about if i havent tried to do anything. which is WHY they said, if i keep stalling, then it wont be much use carrying on with therapy. I need to give him something to work with, otherwise im not going anywhere. I need to do the things that scare me rather than hide away from them.

being a scaredy-cat hasnt gotten me anywhere so far

clearly its time to take a risk....

im saddled up...global ED-domination, here i come!!!