well here we are folks, let the MID-WEEK madness commence!
Now, i wish i could actually GIVE you some exciting madness here, but unfortunatly... i am pooped. So instead, ill just give you a little update on the week thus far.
What can i say... it started off pretty good! hehe :-p
the boy fixed my bicycle!!!
What a star eh?! he even managed it with my adorable little devil dog jumping all over him like some crazed monkey demon. She bigtime loves him, in fact thinking about it, she loves ANY men! she is such a hussy... seriously, give her a whiff of testosterone and she's like a energizer bunny on crack, she runs rings around them! We she did, loop the loop, all afternoon. We took her to the country park and she literally went mental. Then we made the mistake of sitting down on a nice bench instead of throwing the stick, so she jumped up and rammed the stick in the boys crotch. yeah, THAT'LL teach him!
I know this pic is a tad freakydeaky!
i wanted to show her when her lip gets caught in her teeth & it looks like she's smiling...
sadly in this, she just looks like abit "speshal" instead.
So since then ive been back at school and its just as been busy as i predicted. But im coping... i had another of those weirdy emotional meltdowns where i get home and feel like i just wanna burst into tears, i dunno if its to do with the walking thing. cos its always when i get home and i just feel so frustrated. so maybe its cos i know i dont want to be walking and damaging my body but i still struggle to let go? hmmm.
WELL, on that note i can share with you that i have aced the biking thing!!! I had to cycle in and back on tues cos of this parents evening thing (which dragged on sooooo long) but the main difference this time, was it was LIGHT when i left!! woopwoop!!!! plus i didnt have to walk the long journey home, i hopped on the bike and was back in 15mins! result.
im on FIYAAAAH...!
Now i know that technically i shudnt be doing ANY exercise right now, but im just waiting for my moped to get fixed up and pass its MOT then i finally get my hands on it this weekend...
i cannot WAIT!!!
But i have to say that i am really loving the cycling into work thing... its so refreshing to feel the wind in my hair as i whip by. It takes me half the time it did to walk and i dont feel so compulsive about taking certain routes and walking along the outer edges of the path to make the "longest" route (i mean come on, that adds what like ONE extra step?!?!) so thats a good thing. i think i am finally relaxing abit more. I have also cut down my stretches to every other morning. Cos i FINALLY got my brain in gear after reading lots of articles about how your muscles need time off to repair etc... and even tho ED tells me that its hardly strength training, just a few stretches and abs work (planks, balancing core stuff) ive realised that it DOES count, it all counts... so im taking it step by step. hoping i can the feelings of "need" so that its a choice rather than a necessity....
there are SOME good reasons to carry on cycling!
I dont want to exercise if it makes me feel down and affects my recovery, but then i feel like i will feel like SUCH shit if i dont do anything. When does "some" become too much? Argh, i just dont know!!! I initially thought i could just cold-turkey it... get the moped and STOP everything else except my day to day moving for living. but i dunno if ill be able to handle that :-(
So then i thought, well maybe i could cut it down to biking in one day, mopeding the next...But then I thought, is this even worth it for the mess my head will be wanting to do more if i do some....
what do you think??
Am i just drawing it out again, letting ED convince me that i need to do something??
Im so confused half the time.... i want to stop so that i can finally figure out what i need to gain and then what it takes to maintain, with SENSIBLE activity. i dont always want to be feeling lik i need to exercise to keep my weight stable. i want to do a normal amount, not always trying to add more.
Ive realised that this exercise compulsion and my orthorexic tendencies are alot worse than i first thought. I freaked out the other day about eating a white tortilla wrap, then i was like... what am i doing?!?! i dunno, i feel like its going to poison me or something silly! even tho i know i ate it before and other people eat it... i feel like i cant.
I dont know why i think im so different from the rest of the population. its like i see them have stuff and not exercise and thats ok, but i cant do the same... im not the same.
Did anyone else feel like this and get over it?
Sometimes i wonder if ill be stuck in this silly headfunk forever. i dont want to be scared of food anymore. i WANT to gain the weight and im OK with it! but i feel like this is really holding me back...
I keep seeing all these What I Ate Wednesdays and they look so fab! I hope that soon ill give up this silly ED and start living, eating, BEING again.
Till then peeps, i'll watch, listen and learn.....
Im still fighting.
NINJA STYLE!!!
Aw...EVERYONE with an ED feels the same way, or did at some point. This is where you start to realise that eating disorders are not choices, and you are not in control of it. It's not that you're choosing not to eat certain things, or to exercise so much - it's that you feel you literally can't do things differently. Of course this is holding you back - this is what stops everyone stuck in anorexia from recovering. And everyone who recovers gets through it somehow. The only way out is through really - you have to challenge those thoughts and eat whatever it is anyway.
ReplyDeleteKeep telling yourself it's not rational. It's just the illness putting those thoughts into your head. It's not what YOU want - you didn't want to grow up and be an anorexic when you were a kid, did you? It's not part of your personality (although there are some traits which can predispose you, the illness itself isn't a trait), it's not a form of control, it's not something you're doing by choice. It's an illness and it's making you think and feel all of these different things. You can have your life back Clemmy, you just need to separate yourself from the illness and rebel against every little thing it tells you to do. I say "just" as if it's not the biggest fight of your life :P but difficulty isn't the same thing as impossibility.
Okay, I will stop sounding like a freaking self help book now, lol :P
Clemmy, I think a lot of us feel like that. Like it is okay for everyone else to eat x, or to exercise just for fun. But ED lies! Exercising and riding your bike for fun and transportation is amazing :] All the benefits you listed plus more! But if it is something that ED is making into a chore, that isn't good :/ Just know that ED lies, and never ever believe him! YOU deserve to enjoy your bike rides, you deserve to have freedom in your mind!
ReplyDeleteNever loose hope. There will be a time that you can enjoy bike riding, and eating whatever you like, really there will be :] This is not forever.
Stay strong <3
Scott