So today one of my pupils gave me an Easter Egg...
I accepted it graciously (even tho i cant have dairy... hey ho) but inside i was still going WOAAAAAH, thats one hell of alot of chocolate. GET. ME. OUTTA. HERE....
Which is so stupid, cos the chocolate is hardly gonna JUMP out of the packaging, unwrap itself and smear itself all over me.... but yet i still held it like it was some ticking time-bomb.
I haven't eaten chocolate since i started having major food intolerances a couple of years back. Dairy was a big player in the "im gonna make you very very ill right now" stakes! So i basically had to cut it out completely, which made me very restrictive and fearful of anything that MAY contain dairy.... now obviously ED loved this excuse, as it meant saying no to many of those sweet treats that ED hates the most. But in reality there are plenty of alternatives i could have, supermarkets and health food shops sell dairy free choc, cakes and other sweets. but i still hold back. im scared.
Well, i think its high time i faced that fear head on.
I have gently re-introduced several of the foods that i have intolerances to when ive been allowed to by my doctors. They got me to try small amounts of food with traces of the intolerant foods and see how i responded. Some things were ok, some things were not! (dairy was still the biggest baddie) But the most frustrating thing is that its very hard to pinpoint what, when and how i will react... my body is very unpredictable! A little bit of something one day will be ok, but on another, i will react. what the hell, right!?!
The docs cant suss it out, my nutritionist has a mine-field with my meal-plans as any aggravation to my digestive issues and im back to square one. DAMN its annoying, especially when i really DO want to try and eat more varied foods but every time i cant, ED rears its ugly head and says "haha, i told you you shouldnt eat more, stick with whats safe...." Well I dont want to have to stick with the same old foods, i dont want to worry about what i eat, but i always have to be on my guard, "just in case"... which is why i got so scared of food in the first place. GAH, i never know whats gonna suddenly cause my stomach to explode into spasms and force me to leave whatever place im at and head home to my bed. Booooo :-(
But still, living life in fear???
well thats not really living at all is it?!
So i think i need to push my boundaries abit again. Ive been doing so well at ED bashing lately. but i feel like if im gonna push through to the next phase, i need to start doing things that really scare me. Cos right now, im feeling ok... but im at that dangerous place where normally when something happens and ED kicks in and freaks me out, i resort to bad old habits. Well this time, ive been able to hold my own! Im standing my ground and im NOT giving in!
And plus, the pupil was so pleased with himself and as he handed me the egg, i thought "how can this be bad...?! i shud be HAPPY that he likes me enough to buy me a gift! i mean how many pupils actually LIKE their teachers?!?!" So of course, i smiled and thanked him and now the egg is sitting in my kitchen. laughing at me!
What to do, what to do?!?!?!
im excited peeps. i love the last day of term, everyone is in a good mood and we finish after lunch, all gooooood :-)
COUNTDOWN UPDATE: twoooooooo more days till the big bday! Im getting twitchy as i pass shops with balloons and party stuff, i swear im such a bday junkie.... silly string is my crack :-p
Messy as hell, but u've gotta love it!
xxx
I had major problems with food intolerances a few years ago too - it's actually what made me lose weight in 2007 and jump started the worst few years of relapses into the ED. Accidental weight loss is such a big relapse trigger. I am allergic to dairy and I was intolerant to wheat, yeast, hazelnuts, sesame seeds, millet, almonds, brazil nuts, pears, grapefruit...and my IBS wouldn't let me eat onions, chillies, garlic or other spicy stuff.
ReplyDeleteI still managed to gain weight on that diet though, and now I'm healthy again a lot of my digestive problems have started to heal. Restrictive eating does a lot more damage than you could imagine, your digestive system probably won't settle down properly until you've been fully weight restored for a good year or so. I only have to avoid milk and wheat now :) yay! And I do indeed RAID the allergy friendly sections at the supermarkets - Tesco do wonderful DF/GF chocolate muffins, there's a brand called Lazy Day which some Waitrose sell which do millionnaire's shortbread, chocolate dipped ginger biscuits and tiffin, there are vegan chocolate truffles and ice cream, I've learnt to bake my own dairy free cakes...the list is endless. If you want any pointers on where to start with the dairy-free fear foods I might be your girl ;)
BTW, sorry for the epic waffle I sent you last night, I was really tired but couldn't sleep! I was a bit confuzzed :P
I KNOWW its so conflicting when things like this happen. On one hand the adorable child adores you and wants to give you a gift, and you want to be able to enjoy it. On the other, ed screams. Its like a battle in your head, and no one can win because if you win you'd feel guilty, and if ed wins you'd feel guilty. But maybe try to look at the situation for what it is: a child adored you, thought of you, got you something, and put the time and effort and probably had to work up alot of courage to give it to you. You deserve it :) No one is saying you have to have the entire thing, but maybe as a challenge on easter? I dont know, I just think its adorable, and besides who wouldnt adore you!? Your amazing my dear.
ReplyDeleteYou are so so right about how ED's things can be so nonsensical. Somehow it can make us think that a gift of something ED doesn't like is somehow bad and hurtful!? NO! I am glad you see through ED's lies :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I think it is great you are starting to reintroduce new foods :) I can only imagine how hard it must be to have those intolerances hindering your efforts to break free from ED's food rules :( You are so strong though, and I KNOW you can do it!