afternoon peeples.
My my hasnt it been a while since i posted... almost a WHOLE week!!! and its been a busy old one too i might add :-p
you didnt think id forgotten you now did ya?!?
Well, lets recap. wednesday..... (racks brain) Ah yes. id had my sis to stay, had a fight with tha mumatron and was feeling abit poo-sville! fun times.
On thurs i had the chance to catch up with my good friend A, for a leisurely walk/chat with the poochums (she loves him, that dog is SUCH a flirt!) He always helps me clear my mind and put things in perspective and he has got me out of some emotional pickles in the past! this was no exception, id been feeling really rubbish about myself, thinking that by being ill etc i was failing myself and the people i love, i felt like i had let everyone down (again) and he helped me to see that its all in my head... the pressure i put on myself was reflecting and making me feel guilty for not being "perfect". but really what is perfection?! an idolisation that is figmented in our minds. it is neary always OUR opinion, not another persons. SO SILLY!!! And he told me to remember that actually, i am the STRONG one cos i have identified that i need help and i have the self-awareness to act on it. getting help instead of hiding behind my fears....
This set me up for a more positive day on friday and also the fact that i had a fun weekend in london planned... I had such a great time, got to meet my friends and be "normal" again for a couple of days. it was so nice to just feel free in myself. No pressure, No responsibilities, no "trying to be who i was pre-ED"... i felt like i could breathe again. Its such a nice feeling, i love those guys, they rock. i cant wait to hang out with them again soon :-)
Sooooo, now its back to black. Business as usual. But its a shorty week cos tomo im making the long 5hr drive back to wales for my great aunts funeral.... Sis is coming back again tonight, but this time i know i cant deal. Its still scary and she still makes me feel very uncomfortable in that i always feel like she is judging me (even when she's not actually saying the words!) but its the putdowns and sly comments that hurt the most. i know its hard for her to see me like this, but hello?! its hard for me too!!! and its not like this is a sudden thing.
Still, she is being better than she was, so i cant complain... as long as i stay out of her way and keep my head down, i can avoid most confrontation. I no longer get involved with her fights with mum, cos its not my business. Ive learnt that now, cos if i try to stick up for mum, i get drawn into the drama! muma's a big girl, if she chooses to be treated like that, then thats HER decision, its not my place to fight her battles for her.
So, there we are. Update complete!
I think tomo will be hard, emotional stuff always is... but i am always quite good at dealing with this kindof stuff. i dont like to think of death as the "end of the road"... im much more open about it, i think that it is the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. My sis is a blubber, no joke! she will be packing out the kleenex tomo i imagine. Which i always found strange... cos she can be a very harsh person, but when it comes to emotion, shes a big old baby!!! i guess its that old "dish it out but cant take it" type thing. ive never been that physically emotional, i dont cry alot from sadness. guilt, yup... frustration, hell yes! but i dont see the point im shedding tears for something that is inevitable. Death is a part of life, we cannot change that.... This whole situation has made me think alot about how people live their lives and the opportunities we so often miss out on because we are scared to take a chance. well i dont want to miss any more chances. im grabbing life with both hands....
because when one door closes, another opens....
Life's pretty good like that!
Tomorrow will undoubtedly never be the same as Today
and for that im grateful, cos ive seen the film groundhog day and it gets mighty boring!!! :-p
Anyways,
I hope your week brings you lots of new exciting opportunities, just remember to look out for them instead of living life with your eyes closed!!
Later Loves
xxx
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