Im feeling abit anxious tonight...

Its been a nice weekend, ive chilled, ive baked (gingerbread, which turned out alot more BREAD than ginger! i intended for biscuits but overshot and was left with little breadcakes, meh... ill eat em! update: 2 down already!) this all sounds good right?!?

Well, not exactly... i STILL havent been able to drag myself out of this rut that i appear to have landed in :-(

I dont know why, but im just feeling really down on myself at the moment. Its like i cant quite get my happy face back on. I get passing waves of happiness, but then i almost subconciously squash them down again cos i feel like i dont deserve them... especially when im doing so badly at getting my weight gaining on track.

Im starting to think that maybe this is actually having an adverse effect on my attempts to get back on track, what do you think?? Cos when im feeling good about gaining, i find it easier to try harder... but when im in a negative frame of mind, its like banging my head against a brick wall! (tempting, but i really shud try to keep ahold of the braincells ive got) GAH! this is such a vicious cycle... how do people actually get themselves OUT of this kindof hole?! it seems like the harder i try to climb, the further i get from the top....

I had a sit down today and went through some of the stuff that bounces around my head all week but doesnt get "seen to" (hehehe) cos i dont have time.... I realise that i distract myself with being busy so i dont have to deal with my emotions. but i WANT emotions! they tell me more about myself and could actully help me in order to pinpoint what is holding me back, so i need them right now!

I am seeing my therapist tomo and im worried that i havent really tried this week, so i doubt my weight will have anything encouraging to show for my lack of effort. im finding it so hard at the moment, i dont know why, cos i was so positive a few weeks back, tackling the pub meal and the doughnut and stuff... whats changed??? Is it because i wasnt consistent? Would it have been easier if id made myself do that every day instead of praising myself before id actually really achieved anything?? Who knows...

But what i DO know is that i have this feeling, its like my body is telling me i need to gather my strength together right now, cos things are going to have to change. Im enlisting the help & accountability of my mum, Im going to show her the MP my nutritionist gave me, which i have never done yet... See i preferred to think i could do it myself, whereas in reality, it was my sneaky ED telling me that if i kept it to myself, i could judge what i did and didnt need. What a mistake. I shant be making that on again....

No, Im about to take on something big. Im on the cusp and im leaning over... If i dont jump, then im damn well gonna freefall anyway! Im sick of teetering. Im gonna do what needs to be done and if that means passing the control onto someone else, then so be it. Its that ir IP, so whats the difference?!

Ive spoken to my mum a couple of times over the past week and we discussed a few things, but im gonna ask to step it up even more next week... Ill talk to my T about it tomo, but otherwise im just gonna keep going, week after week, saying the same things and not taking enough action to make it happen.

Anyway, me and mum decided to do a "proper meal" 3x a week where we BOTH sit down and have the SAME meal together. It'll be something that we've picked out from a recipe book, mums pretty ok with whatever, so i get to choose until i feel comfortable with her choosing something and making it herself.

A whole meal, main, side and dessert. No salad substitutes and scarcely there carbs. SO today, i went through our stash of Jamie Oliver's (books that is, sadly i dont have a collection of mini pukka chefs on my mantelpiece or anything!) and off to the supermarket i went...

Ooh only need the one hand jamie?!

I bet he dropped those a minute after this was shot :-p

I managed to get various goodies and it was actually pretty fun! But the shopping part never is, i could spend hours ogling the tasty food and thinking of what would go well with what (and im guessing im not alone in this, right?!) But the real proof is in the pudding....

can i really do this without freaking out?!

I damn well hope so, cos....

....On the (planned) menu for monday night is:

Steak (Meat for mum, Quorn for moi)

Oven cook rosemary roasted potatoes & seasonal Veg

Dessert (yet to be decided!)

OOH its like something off come dine with me! :-)

Stay tuned people, ill let you know how it goes.... xxx