busybusy

afternoon everyone!

Ahhh im so tired and this week has hardly even started :-p its kindof nice tho, im loving having a purpose, something to get up for in the mornings... its all good. (for now!)

So school starts back tomo for us teachers, cos if you ever wanted to know what the last 2 days of holidays are for.... its the dreaded INSET days! yup, while parents unwillingly drag their kids out to buy the last few pencils and folders left in WHSmiths, us teachers are having training and get this... head shots!!! oh yeah, a teachers life is rock and roll baby! we have to have our annual pics taken to stick up in the main hall, so all the kids can come and laugh at us looking silly with fake smiles plastered on our faces, its plain MEAN! we might aswell be monkeys in the zoo!! meh, anyway, it has to be done... so tomo at 8:30am, i will be in a Q having washed my hair, dressed not in jeans and a tee, and wearing makeup! (YES... remember that stuff?! makes me look presentable, havent seen it in a while.... yeah thats the stuff :-p) after that i think we have a day full of training shizz and some department meetings, BOOOO. what a dullsville day, still theres no ACTUAL school till thurs, so im not complaining (too much!)

I went to see my nutritionist today which was good, she always peps me up. i like her no-nonsense approach.... she tells it how it is, and she says its time for a step up (gaaaaah!) i knew it was coming cos im gonna be so much busier back at school so ill need the extra energy. ED doesnt like that, but I know that its important or else i will lose weight and ED will get his wicked way again... no thankyou!

I need to get back into my "work" routine... which is hard, especially after such a long break. I was eating ALOT less back at the end of last term, i cant even imagine how i got thru the days working AND exercising on so little food. As i read thru Fi's post about working with an ED, her points rang so true... so ive thought thru the main struggles i have and then i want to think about how i might be able to tackle them. i want to be able to put my recovery into my work routine, but im just worried that my anxiety about changing routines will set me back.

Thats where i need you're help!!! The advice you gave fi was amazing, and i have taken some of that on board too, but any thoughts you might have about how i can tackle these obstacles wud be muchos helpful right now.... i really wanna be able to make this work!

Anyway heres what ive come up with:

• The "waiting till i get home" to eat: This must stop... i am active all day, so i need to fuel my body in order to perform at my best and give my pupils the fun and educational lessons that they deserve, without being preoccupied with thoughts of food and restricting.
• Not liking to have a proper breakfast: I dont like having to rush my breakfast, after all-its probs my favourite meal of the day! In holiday routine, i get to savour it and that makes it easier to eat more. However if im having it while getting ready to rush out the door, im going to be feeling all stressed and anxious.
• Exercise: Even tho i am being active just by teaching and going from a to b, i STILL feel like im not really doing any exercise. So ED doesnt like to use my breaks to sit in the staff room, it wants me to go out into town or get on with some work or something... relaxing is indulgent. which is silly cos i am working bloody hard! i deserve to sit and chill and my body will thank me for it, but eating more makes me feel like i shud be DOING more....
• Appetite (or lack thereof): This ties in with my previous point, cos when i am busy my appetite goes out the window and therefore i end up forgetting (or choosing to forget) that i need to stop and eat. If im not hungry, ED says its not worth eating. this is SKEWED thinking, which i know is wrong. but it affected me alot last year...
• Social Eating: Having isolated myself from many people, i never tend to eat around my colleagues... if i did get lunch, i would go out to eat. Now that its winter and i dont want to be going out in the cold/rain! i need to start thinking about eating with other people. we dont have a canteen, so ill need to brave the staff room (EEK!) plus if im not going "out" to eat, ill need to bring something in, which ive struggled with cos i find it hard to make my own lunches, preferring to buy something pre-made, to take away the overwhelming feelings i get trying to choose what to make. My nutritionist said i shud try bringing in stuff, lunches and snacks and stuff and if i cant manage THEN to go to the nearest shop (no walking into town) to buy something. The nearest shop is a tesco express specialising in big BLTs and greasy pasta salads. i dont think id want to eat them even without an ED... so WHAT TO DO?!?!?!

I really want this term to be different. Im pretty determined to get myself onto a new and better regime of eating in my set breaks (its school, we already have a set routine laid out for us... how hard can it be!!! - urh, you have an ED... its hard wherever you go!)

But i just need abit of advice... i think i can do it, i just need a PLAN. but i will be doing so much planning in terms of schoolwork, can i really fit in extra planning? am i going to morph into some kindof of planning robot?!?!

i think first things first, i need to get over the idea that im not allowed to eat. My nutritionist today said whatever i want to eat is fine, cos at this weight a calorie is a calorie and my body needs whatever it can get its hands on! but i dont tend to eat any "junk" food... im almost TOO healthy, its not orthorexia, but cos i have to be so aware of what im putting into my mouth in case it triggers one of my intolerances, i dont really allow myself treats unless a) they are "healthy" treats, or b) i can justify them somewhere else.... like if ive earned them, by being more active or eating less. which is not the way i want to be thinking. i want to feel like i can have whatever, whenever.....

have any of you struggled with this and got past it...??

i dont want to always be thinking about calories and checking the back of things for nutrtional facts, its not normal!

Anyways, im still going to try and keep up with my blogging, i really enjoy it and value your feedback so much! i think im gonna need to have somewhere to vent my thoughts, so stick with me people...

....this might just be about to get interesting!! :-p

xxx