crash bang wallop

and i hit the floor.....

Not LITERALLY - thank god! but i had what i can only describe as a bumpety bump weekend of nasty ED'ness. (apologies for the kiddie speak, ive just had an afternoon of teaching juniors, i've found you've gotta go with the "simplify" or die rule....!!)

ANYHOO

i digress....

Yeah, last week... I was good, i was moving forwards, i was positive - i felt better about things.

Then the weekend came around and i guess i just slipped back into my old routine, ED told me i didnt need lunch. i eat lunch ever day at school. today im not at school. no lunch. NO GOOD!

i shud have put the skids on then and there when i felt the warning signs, but silly me didnt anticipate the consequences of one little missed meal. i then started to feel anxious, edgy, if i missed one thing then i cud miss more....

Luckily i didnt, cos i was at the flat with my mum and sis, so i did make sure i had dinner, but it wasnt as much as i wud have at home cos i dont have all my cereals and stuff there. i made do...

The atmosphere in the flat was back to black. My sis has said openly that she "doesnt mind" me being there when im on my own and i keep out of her way, but when my mum is there too. she doesnt want me there. she wants to have time with mum just by herself...

lets just say, she doesnt like to share her toys!

Anyway, things were delicate so i tried to steer clear, but since we have to decide on this xmas trip (we were planning on escaping xmas by going away somewhere hot) but as per usual we have left it too late and flights are super expensive. Cue rows, blame, me sitting consoling the poor pup who is shaking cos she is frightened by the shouting. poor baby!!!

Sunday rolls around and i manage to get thru the day ok, it was my friends last day so we had fun, but i was still abit on edge..... Skip to sunday night, and the walls fall down..... I wont go into details, but we had a big fight at the flat before leaving, which made us late to leave anyway (this started the ball rolling, stress wise - i like to be home in reasonable time cos i have to prep my stuff for school in the morning) but sadly as mum drove through london, we get stuck in a big demonstration diversion where all cars are told to turn around and go back another way. GREAT... so basically we have to go right back to the start of our journey and start over in the opposite direction. im not a happy bunny....

Now i KNOW its irational, its not anyones fault per say. but it FREAKS me out bigtime. i hate situations that a) interrupt my usual routine and b) mean that i have no control over things

both of these fears were ticked off, and on top of that because we were so late and delayed, we wouldnt get home till very late, so i wouldnt be able to have a proper dinner.

I say "wouldnt be able"... of course i could have eaten. but once my usual dinnertime had passed i found it hard to feel comfortable eating as i have so much to fit in... shud i have a main meal first or a pudding? shud i try and fit in my bedtime snack even tho i would be going straight to bed anyway? too much to handle.... i freaked out.

In the end, i missed my main meal and just had a snack followed by my big (and i made sure it WAS big) cereal bowl before i crashed out.... so not ideal, but i tried my best given the circumstances. ED was raging and i found it a big struggle to get over that. But as my very wise and wonderful friend Fi said to me...

Accept the fact that ed is all over you in that moment and that u feel like shite

Take the emotion out of the situation

Look at the logical rational thing to do

Do it

Dont think about it after that

Thats it

This was exactly the advice i needed. I managed to do this to a certain extent... but i know now that if i remove the fact that i am being irrational and letting my emotions block out my logical thoughts then i can scale down the situation and regain my composure. It would be naive to think that i can remove ED from the equation, but ACCEPTING the situation and taking steps to solve it provides me with a much better coping mechanism that simple freaking out and letting ED take the power! So thankyou Fi, you're a star :-)

Today i can happily say im feeling alot better. I had a really good day at school (did i mention that i LOVE my job!?!?!?) and i had some constructive therapy (altho i have weighty proof that i need to upp my cals AGAIN, due to the new school routine... my previous intake is clearly not enough for my busier lifestyle) But im okay with that. its gonna be hard, no doubt. But i WANT to be able to do a good job, and if to do that i need to eat more... then thats what i have to do. I think im gonna have to trick myself to start off with tho, do some of that sneaking stuff into things so they are high cal but not too bulky. I dont know where is best to try and work on, i know my dinners are quite large, and im pretty happy with my BIG bowl of cereal for breakfast. I dont have that much time in the am's so i guess that leaves lunches.... the logical choice as i dont eat a very big lunch. (Its still a big "EEK" for me) but i have been managing to make sure i get a sammie in everyday at work. But i know i could have more. Most people eat a sandwich and a packet of crisps and a yoghurt or fruit or something, so why shouldnt i?

Any suggestions for bulking up meals without freaking out too much?!?

I really have to get over this fear of eating more, my body needs more food so i shud be able to give it that, its only fair... So why do i find it so hard to stretch myself out of my comfort zone. ARGH!!!

i hope you all had a fab weekend... I just cant believe its already the end of monday!

here we go again!

xxx