food wars

Urgh, this week has been a battle...

Im finding myself constantly fighting my natural urge to eat. 

i WANT to gain weight, 

i WANT to get better,

i WANT a brighter future.

But my head keeps saying, why bother eating if your not hungry. 

its driving me mad...

Ive decided i need to set myself targets. like:

-facing food fears: theres no reason why i shouldnt eat certain things, i need to expand my appetite and eat more diverse things (things that scare me & things that arent 'safe')

- challenging myself: i want to learn to relax around food and feel ok about eating in situations that make me feel uncomfortable (eating in restaurants &  eating un-known foods)

- removing control: i want to take away some of the control i have around food, i dont wat to feel edgy and panicked when someone else is cooking my food, there not gonna poison me for gods sake!

all these things are down to my disordered way of thinking. they are not me they are my illness. but i dont want them to define how i feel anymore. im sick of being dictated to by a disease.... its time to knock that bad demon off my shoulder!

Sorry this has been a rant. its raining outside and im having a seasonal affected moment of glumness! 

why does the rain make us feel glum? 

i got splashed by a passing car earlier and puppylove jumped up on my jeans and left 2 big muddy pawprints.... some days, dont u just wish you'd stayed in bed?!?!?!

hope everyone out there has had a better day than this.... maybe you've been lucky & its not raining with you! (if so, im jealous.... so there!)