weekend

So as promised...

Here are a few piccys from my weekend :)

It kicks off with the beeeeeeyootiful walk me and the poochums took along the river to get to the location of the vintage fair...

walk....

sniff....

and SMILE!!!

aaaaand a smile from me too.... :)

LOOKY! a swan!

turning into the woodland bit...

pretty shadows...

and a DAWG

It was such a perfect day to be outside... sunny but with a slight breeze. In fact, it was so nice that we did it again yesterday too! And since its now turned grey and the skies are threatening to rain all over today, i think we DEF made the right decision! (even if it did mean i probs walked a little too much. Especially considering im trying to be less active. urhhhhh)

But ANYWAYS... continuing on! So when we arrived, the fair was already up and running. Altho its fair to say that in this sleepy riverside village, there wasnt a whole lot of action going down! There were people wandering about and a few stopped to do some perusing (but most of the folks were chilling in the riverside pub!) So i wasnt exactly the standard of trade that the mothership is used to with her london fairs... But it was fun :)

somewhat "car-boot-sale" esque!!!

And it gave mum a chance to sort through some of her stock and generally get some of the things done that she would probs have been doing at home anyways... So she was happy enough (altho tired, as usual...) i was pleased cos it gave me a chance to sit outside in the sunshine and soak up some vitamin D!!!

hairface

squinty mac-squintums

ooh, whats over THERE?!

Soooo it was a good weekend... mum did some work, I allowed myself to SIT and chill out (which i would have found very hard to do at home) So it was all good. Altho i did find myself abit triggered on the Sunday... I think it was seeing people out and about, enjoying their weekend off and not having a care in the world. They were just having fun - sitting in the sun, drinking, eating and generally doing all the things i dont allow myself to do :( 

Its still very hard for me to change and it upsets me to know that the only person that is STOPPING me from doing all these things, is ME. Even though i know i am perfectly entitled to do whatever the hell i WANT to do with my own life... I still worry that i must be "different" to other people, that i dont deserve to do those nice things... that i dont have the right to be happy. I have to earn it. I have to somehow warrant the right to eat decadent things or to chill out and not be active by doing something hard or painful or punishing... But its not true. I should be free to enjoy life instead of feeling punished by it. This is why I think I dont like sitting around at home, cos it makes me feel too lazy.... But thats not normal, its ok to be at home and getting bits and bobs done with no SET purpose. So its something im trying to challenge myself with today. I talked with the mothership lastnight about how changes need to happen if im to get anyweher NEAR breaking free of these routines by the time i leave for Oz, so today i decided to really step up my game and NOT make excuses for my ED. 

So far so good, I woke up early and took the pooch out with the mumster for a short walk, which was a challenge in itself - cos when i wak, i want to WALK. and i cant do that with mum... so when we got back, i had to sit with those feelings of anxiety and guilt for not doing a "proper" walk. It was hard, but i made sure i stuck by her and distracted myself by babbling away and random shizz to take my mind of the thoughts in my head and to stop me from going and doing my usual abs stretches in my room... Challenge COMPLETED. I have moved past those feelings and im now trying to keep focused on having my breakfast at a decent time and then filling the day with non-active distractions... I know mum wants to get busy with her paperwork, so ive set about some tasks to do myself... those pesky reports wont write themselves! But i have also asked if we can go on some "out of the house" errands after meals so that i am not sitting at home thinking about food and exercise.

So the plan is:

Brekkie, trip to the supermarket, home.

Lunch, trip to mums old shop to drop off some stuff, take dog to the beach (for a 15minute MUM walk)

Paperwork at home, tea (mums friend is coming round) Yoga class (cant really be arsed, but i didnt go lastweek cos i was sick) home, Dinner and evenin chill out.

DONE!!! i can handle everything once it gets to the evening... evenings are my happy chill-time. its the days that stress me out... all that empty time and food that i know i must eat but dont like to have (lunch and snacks)

But ive gotta keep telling myself - 

if those changes are gonna happen 

i need to MAKE them happen.....