I cant quite believe that this year has gone so fast... its nice cos i do feel like alot has gone down this year, but sadly... some things are still very firmly hanging around. namely my struggles with progressing in recovery and that is probably the one thing i would MOST like to be rid of! i guess thats the nature of the beast :-p
I keep thinking back to this time last year, when i went to Costa Rica with the mumatron and my sis and i felt so awkward and out of place, seeing all these people having fun on the beach and in the pool and not being able to do that cos i felt too thin and like people would look at me funny. Its hard, cos i so badly want to be better, i hate the way i look... genuinely HATE it! i dont want to be so thin, but the mental side of the illness is what holds me back everytime. i cant seem to figure out that eating healthy means allowing yourself to eat stuff you like. i never feel like i deserve it... but sadly therapy isnt really making any changes with the pshychological side of it, so im going solo for now. I know that when i get my weight higher, the cognitive side will be easier to figure out. so thats whats driving me for now... but then my ED hops in and makes me feel so shitty for thinking about eating more and im back to square one.
holycowimsotiredofthisshit!
Sorry this is abit of an ED-heavy rambly blabber word-fest post, but i have stuff that i need to hash out in my head. plus i seriously need some reassurance and support from you guys, i just cant seem to pull my finger out and make the changes i know i need to do without knowing that other people are doing it too.... i will get to the other stuff thats been going on in the world of MOI in a bit, but let me rant first, just for a little while at least :-p
So AGAIN, today i have sat down with the mama and tried to hash out a MP that will work at letting go of the rigid control i have over food. but everytime she suggests stuff, i get angry and defensive. its so annoying, why i cant be relaxed or easygoing about it? i said we need to try and have one night a week to start with where i cannot make or prepare the food. so we went to m&s thi afternoon to pick up a ready meal or something... but as soon as i was there i start freezing up and getting anxious. GAH! so i said i think its gonna take more than just picking something out... i need to be more removed from the process, cos i was already there scouting the cals etc, not cool. im gonna let her choose a few options, i will choose one preference and then she will buy, prepare and cook it WITHOUT me. its the only way i wont be able to let the ED sneak in. i know full well i will want to see what shes doing and i will get freaked out. but i will have to take myself off somewhere so i cannot be involved. its too stressful otherwise.... so fingers crossed, that will be a step forwards.
Im also trying to get my meals up to normal standard again... i find it so damn hard to actually eat more, especially during the day. which is why over the course of this holiday, my lunches have dissapeared again (no surprises there, its always the first meal to go...) but also my snacks have diminished and my breakfasts have dwindled. its not good i tell you. and i hate that im pleased with how little i can survive on... cos its not a freaking GAME!! its my life and my health and i dont want to play russian roulette with my body anymore.
So in comes the MP again. i know all i have to do is stick to the bloody thing, but i am so incredibly scared of it, i dont know how to move forwards from this fear. Its like the exercise thing... im so freaked out by the possibility of what will happen if i STOP doing my abs stretches every morning, or what will happen if i DONT walk for at least 30mins a day... i dont know the alternative, its been so long since i have broken my habits that im too scared to try. The same goes with food. i cant imagine eating more, so i dont do it... i wish i could just have someone eat all the same stuff as me every day so that i didnt feel so freaked out about it, but thats silly! I have been scouting other peoples MP's for help, but i really need reassurance of what i should be having and stuff, cos i just dont trust myself....
Anyways. Onwards from the ED stuff and over to NEW YEARS!!!
Ahh i do love a good chance to see people, its weird cos i can be such an antisocial person sometimes, i get cosy at home and dont really want to dress up or do anything, but then there are times when all i wanna do is glam up and PARTAAAAY! haha, and even tho i was feeling abit sketch (winter cold anyone?!?!) i was up for some shenanigans....
I actually had a really good night. i love seeing my friends, but i have to admit... i had abit of a fallout with the boy. i have been somewhat of a bitch and i DO feel bad, but i dunno. im also just abit pissed at him for being girly and overly sensitive. GAH, ill talk it thru... you decide!
umm, ok recap to when i came back from the boys.. its fri and he's come back to visit but is staying with our mutual bestie at his house cos mine is still a bombsite... which was cool, cos we can all three hang out. which we did, on the fri... but i was already feeling abit off. i dunno... im weird. i cant help it sometimes. i think its being in social situations with a "significant other"... im not used to it and i just plain dont like it. im very much my own person and while i love hanging out with the boy seperately, i dont like doing it with other people. is that mean? its really hard for me... i dont like being overly touchy feel when there are other friends about, i find myself almost talking to anyone ELSE to be away from the boy. i dont want to hold his hand, i dont want him to focus in on me... i want our relationship to be invisible, non-existant... urh it makes me feel so bad to even write it out, how unfair is that, to ask someone to basically back the hell off when there are people around? he must feel so shit....
Ok, so this was the day before new years eve. it was fun hanging out all three of us, despite me already starting to hate on the boy... so since i was feeling abit like i wanted space, i went home in the evening and left them to it (i think thats where things went downhill, cos the boy clearly thought id be spending all the time with them, whereas i was trying to find any way of getting out of being "together"...)
The next day was new years eve. OH what a day! supposedly that morning the shower was gonna be ready to use, but it... was... not... so despite waiting while the builder said "just aother half an hour..." it rolled up to half 12 and i was not washed! so panic stations hit and mum had to drive me to her friends to take a shower!!! too funny. Anyways, i eventually made it round to our friends and met up with the boys again, but already i was stressed and so the pattern continues...
We headed out in the evening to our friends house, it was about 9pm i think? once we were there i was in full "social mood". chatting to friends, laughing, joking... the works! but yes, i admit. i was ignoring the boy. i barely spoke to him all night. when he did try to "sidle" up to me i would get irritated and make little digs and then go elsewhere.... i was being a bitch, but i couldnt really work out how to be anything else. i didnt want to be mean, i just didnt want to be with him :-s
When midnight rolled around, everyone piled into the front room... he clearly wanted to be with me. whereas i did not. awkward smalltalk and a brief kiss when the clock chimed, but the room was packed and so i was off hugging my other friends after a minute and so the party continued....
Way later and we finally made a move. he was hanging about me but i was being very distracted and distant from him. i think he started to really feel it at this point, especially as he'd drunk wuite a bit and the "buzz" was wearing off. As we walked home, the 3 of us were separated... when we got back to the house we watched some tv, chatted shit and went to sleep. it was holy awkward. The next morning i planned to slip out the house and head home, but the boy (who had slept on the sofa) woke up and was grumpy with me... unsurprisingly. but i left anyway.
He texted later in the day and was not a happy bunny. but to be honest, i was just bored of it. all the rambly feeling sorry for himself, thinking he'd let himself down, was feeling all "confused"... im glad that he talks about his feelings, HELL yea! but at that point i was just like GAH, stop whining and man-up!!! i wasnt very sympathetic and i havent heard from him since lastnight.
Oh dearie me.
I have been feeling bad, but selfishly... right now ive got other stuff on my mind, im convinced that the ED stuff has alot to do with why i feel like this and act in such a horrible way. im sure it has something to do with my being self-concious and socially awakward. but is that his fault?? NO. so theres no excuse for the way i behaved....
Im not quite sure what to do right now. i want to focus my efforts on getting my MP going and actually getting things in place for weds, when i go back to school. but this is playing on my mind too and making me all brain-fuddled.
throw me a life-line here lovely people, have you got any advice/suggestions/cheer-me-uppers for me?!?! either about the boy OR about the food. i guess i need help with both right now.
i hope you all had a fantastic New Years Eve and dont let this gnarly-long rant make you think im not pysched for 2012, cos i surely am!!! and i am still fighting, now more than ever! im facing up to things that ive been hiding behind.... but i know that im not doing enough, and i know that without help i cannot do this myself.
Its gonna be another year full of chances and possibilities. Ive made mistakes this year and ive hidden behind safety barriers and not done what i wanted to do. i dont wanna waste any more of these precious chances and i do NOT want to be sat in the same place this time NEXT year.
Soooo, anyone fancy giving me a good hard PUSH into recovery?
:-p
Oh gosh...our NYE's were so similar. We need to chit chat.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Aw Clemmy. I feel for you! The problem is, you've been going round in this circle for quite a while now. Yes, weight restoration is terrifying - it is for everyone, that's normal. Trying to eat 2500+ is terrifying. Seeing your body change is terrifying. But that doesn't mean that you need to be so controlled by that fear - once you get going things will become much easier.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't do this - and that's nothing to be ashamed of, anorexia affects the brain in such a way as to lock a person into this pattern of behaviour, it's not your fault and it's not weakness if you just can't change on your own - maybe you need to reconsider IP. You've been sick for a long time and I remember you saying you would do it alone just after you gave up on the idea of IP last time, months and months ago. Things haven't really changed, have they? It's not a judgement on you, honestly - but if you really, really want to recover maybe you need more intensive help. Screw worrying about healthy eating - being very underweight is far, far more unhealthy and dangerous than a bit of cake. Your body is dying, even if you don't feel it just yet. It's scary shit, and even scarier that you don't seem scared. I understand it because I've been there too, but you really will marvel at your thought processes once you get out of your current position.
Don't shoot the messenger :P hope your week is going okay.
(BTW, did you know that Hedgren from CC has her own forum now? www.gwynetholwyn.com. You might find it useful in kicking of butt terms!)
my advice about the boy - i say apologize. but only if you'll mean it. if you just explain to him that you've got a lot on your mind right now and you didn't mean to be rude and you're sorry, i think he'll understand. buuuut it kind of sounds like maybe you two need a break? ya know, just until you figure out what you need to. i think people really need to be single to find and understand themselves. it's so hard trying to care for another person when you don't even know what you need for your own self. only you know what goes on in your relationship though, so that's just my two cents :) sounds like the party was fun with your friends, though!! happy new year!
ReplyDeleteThere's no nice way to get your calories up - you get used to eating less and its rubbish. But it has long term benefits that you are all too aware of so you do the rubbish for the long term goal. And it does get easier, though sometimes it gets hard again, the more you work at it the more comfy it becomes. Unfortunately, you cant always do it yourself, and if that's the case, you get someone else to. As you know, I'm really stuggling right now - even just maintaining my weight is excruciatingly hard. I've been given a week by my team and my family. If I can't do it myself - my family step in and do it for me. That means all my meals and snacks are out of my hands and I lose all control. It's a simple as that. If I can't do it, it's not my fault as my eating disorder is too in control right now, but just because I can't doesn't change the fact that it's gonna happen whether I like it or not. It's horrible but I'm always avaliable to talk it through it you need some moral support, but you have to do it yourself. However, I will say that if there's anything really challenging to you, chances are it's challenging to me too and I have problems challenging myself so if you come up with anything I can give it a go too.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to the boy, it sounds like he's pretty upset. Your ED may well be the reason for your behaviour but it doesn't give you the right. Everyone deserves to be treated well in a relationship, regardless of the problems for the other person. If he's a good egg, an apology and an explaination and some time to get your attention should help things. However, you can't use your ED as an excuse to treat someone else badly and expect them to stick around. He should understand why it's hard for you but you need to make sure he knows why and that it's unintentional and that you will put the effort in to make it better.
Sorry if that seems harsh. I don't mean to be. Relationships whilst suffering from an ED are so difficult. I literally had an oh so similar scenario with the boy this week (part of why I couldn't handle New Years at all), so I know it can be really difficult to let go of the "it's my illness - don't blame me" stance, but in reality, it doesn't matter why you did it, what matters is you know it's not ok and you want to make it better.
We are perpetually in the same boat lol.
Hope you're well. Sorry for the serious essay x.
Aw clemmy. I still read your blog from time and time and each time I do, I can't help but feel incredibly sorry for what you're going through. We met a couple of years ago now back when we were in the same position really and now that I have moved on and see you still stuck there, it really saddens me. I wish I could show you how much better life is now for me and that I am a real example of recovery being possible because it IS. But even just the fact that when you're discussing meal plans with your mum you get angry and defensive is a sign that your ED is so strong and you don't have the fight within you to actually WANT to get better on your own. Because if you that desperately wanted it, you can do it on your own...yeah not totally alone and there are ups and downs when you need support. But maybe you should let someone else take control of what you eat ALL of the time, because you're obviously not in control - your ED is.
ReplyDeleteYou have asked for meal plans before and people, I included, have given you suggestions, you read CC. You KNOW what you should be having. And yet you can't do it. If you really really want this lovie, I just think you need to let EDs control go and let someone else take control until you can. And you will in time!
And like I've said before, I just don't think that having a job for you right now is a good idea either. I'm not being harsh but it's just not. It allows your ED to win. You're busy busy busy, too busy to eat. Too busy to actually relax your body enough to even start recovering. It allows you to walk off even the little amount that you are eating. It's just not logical. And I know that you're stubborn and you think it's for the best, the kids need you, blah blah. But you know deep down, that it's ED that is keeping you working because that way, it has a chance to win. Think about it, is a job worth your life? Because that is what you're messing with here. Your body can't go on forever living like this..you may think you can live forever, but you can't. We here of people just randomly dying in their sleep with EDs because one day their body just gives up.
I want to help you but no one can if you don't accept their help and let go of the control for a bit. You're worth more than this lovie. You really are...you're so clever and talented and beautiful, and even more so when you're not clouded over by this illness who's taken your real personality and entire life.
I meant to comment, but after reading all the comments already posted, I'm not sure if there's anything left to add. I think some very wise things have been said. Though I somewhat disagree with kabochafashionista about you not wanting recovery. The crying and fighting about what to eat is not a sign of you not wanting, the opposite even. It's YOU wanting, but the ED being too strong to be able to actually do it. So I also agree with the rest; let go of control. Either let your mom decide what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat for a bit, or try and go IP or some other programme. Something needs to change. To give someone else the control over your food might seem new, but its not, cuz you're already not in control. You might THINK you are, but you're not. Its ED and not YOU!! Letting go of control...Yeah.. Its hella scary. It SUCKS (warning!) but after you've put on some serious weight, you will realize more and more how silly all of this is. Doesn't mean it will suck less, but at least you'll be able to put things into perspective better and to get yourself together faster than you can now.
ReplyDeleteIt's a new year, make it the one of changes. Make it THE year. You can do it!