weirdness

Oh its been a weird old day today. Im feeling abit.... well... weird!

i dunno. now actually the more i write weird the more weird it looks and i feel silly. moving on!

So this week has trickled along ok, business as usual. but ive been feeling abit blah lately. Also my sister came home for an impromptu visit on sunday, she had the nasty and shocking news last week that she had lost her job :-( It sucks for her and i genuinely am sorry... but guilty as charged... i cant help but also be a little bit scared, it might be selfish, but my head tells me that if she doesnt have a job, what does she have to keep her from deciding to just move back here? ohmyholygodofscaredypantsness. yeah. im worried.

Its not that i dont WANT to get on with her. I would love nothing more than to have a sister who i could share things with, to chat and be close and do silly things together... but its just not like that. it makes me sad when i see people who are close to their siblings and hang out with them and DO stuff and i just cant imagine being like that with her. I mean i find it hard to be in the same room as her sometimes, so what hope does that give me.... People have said "oh but in the future.... Things will change" so maybe, one day? who knows. but for now, what i DO know is that having her around = stress and anxiety for me.

So, she was home, but ignored me mostly, which was fine! Work on monday and tuesday were standard, but then Today... BAM! i had such a crazy day! FIRST off, when i got in, i saw i had cover for the other art teacher who had called in sick. Boo. SECOND up, im told that there is a woman in who wants to train to be a teacher and was supposed to be observing the other art teacher, but as he was off, would be shadowing me instead. DOUBLE boo. i dont mind being observed, but it meant i had to factor in "entertainment" for her (cos usually the pupils are continuing a project) so i had to explain, brief and summarise everything for her, rather than get on with my class! and THIRD, one of the junior teachers was sick, so i had to double up my junior classes to cover him. GAAH!!! on the spot improvised lesson in about 10 mins?! not my idea of fun! ASWELL as having this woman trailing me about. ohmygod.. i was all set for a killer day....

Little did i know what was around the corner tho!

Our head of senior school is a notorious joker... and what i didnt realise, was that earlier that morning, he had introduced this trainee and cracked a joke about her being my new "replacement" (funny... NOT) so all morning i had staff coming up to me all concerned thinking i was leaving!!! Eventually an email had to be sent round explaining the mix up, but i was worried for a min... i thought maybe i was being replaced, without knowing it!!!

So, all in all. Another craaaazy day. But even tho it was an awkward mix-up, in a way it was nice to know that people care. i had SO many of the staff come up and say how glad they were that it wasnt true and that i wasnt going to be leaving :-) It was nice! I always thought of myself as the "odd one out", the teacher who didnt quite fit in, cos obviously im younger than alot of them and i dont tend to go in for the "cliquey" groups... i just try and get on with everyone! so it was nice to see that im not totally unnoticed after all :-p

But would i have passed that up for an easier day, Hmmm... lets just say

thank GOD its hometime!

And suitably timed for PRIME gossiping opportunity, is the other thing thats playing on my mind... the girls staff meal tomo night. Im kindof excited, but also sh*t scared. I have tackled eating out in restaurants already, and im ok with it... but its usually with a small number of people who know about my eating issues. This, however will be a big bunch of people, all jostling and chatting and eating unawares of little old me and my potential freakouts! Oooh, im a smidge nervous! i want to do it and i will NOT BACK OUT. im not gonna let my ED stand in the way of being a part of the group, but i can imagine its gonna be a mental slog... thank god its nearly the weekend, right?!

This ties in to the last thing (promise!) thats been on my mind since, well, since my last weigh in when i put back on the weight id lost the previous weigh in (after half terms slip-up) and some MORE. it worries me that i am gaining when i have not made that significant change to my intake. I AM eating more and im managing to upp it bit by bit when im feeling confident. but im still not meeting the big plan C mealplan that i was so determined to get to... *hangs head in shame* in fact, i dunno if im always hitting my plan B :-(

There are still days when im busy or distracted or just feeling wimpy and i dont eat as much as i could, i try to make it up in the evening, but thats often hard when im full or I chose the easier to handle, safer ED influenced options.

I know its not cool, but desite all this i still end up asking myself...

why am i gaining still? It really worries me cos i WANT to kick start my metabolism. i know that by eating more i would be doing myself a favour in the long run, if i want to maintain on a decent amount of food without killing myself exercising... but jeez its hard work to get my brain to register that and take action. THEN i worry that the more i prolong it and "under-eat" the more i will continue to gain while still being a wimp about eating whatever the hell i feel like (or even just eating 2500 would be a start!) so help me people!

What should i do?

Do i go all out... balls to the wall and just EAT? but what if i cant do that?? will it affect my metabolism? will i continue to gain ALL the weight back at a sub-optimal calorie intake... cos that sucks monkey balls! i dont wanna be weight-restored and still afraid to eat....

If im honest, what i really want to do is QUIT the walking, EAT the 2500 and just see what happens. If just to see where my body goes and then adapt accordingly. i mean realistically... how the hell am i supposed to know my maintenance if i wont even give my body a chance to find it?

but yet i STILL get stuck, i still get scared and i still stick to my stupid disordered thinking. "i'll eat when im hungry, whats the point of eating when im not... thats GREEDY". God its so frustrating... i wish i could take of my head and swap it with a non-eating-disordered person for a while. it would be a welcome break, thats for sure!

Anyways, enough rambling now. I will dust off my bad day and get on with the next. Nobody can accuse me of not being positive in that respect!!! (plus there's a good episode of come dine with me on tv tonight, and WHO can be down after that :-p)

So weirdness be GONE!

enjoy your evening people and wish me luck for tomo's big dinner outing!

x