i am so freaking tired. its overwhelming...

Im tired inside and out. I feel like my body is crying out "REST ME!!!" I never have much energy, but these days by the evening im full on slumps-ville. Sadly, as much as i hate to admit it... i know that my eating has a huge part to play in it.

I used to blame it all on my illness before i 'fessed up to the fact that i had an eating disorder. Yes, the fact that i have health issues does factor in, every winter i find it very hard to cope cos if i get run-down or sick i dont just get over it like a healthy person would, if im not careful it escalates into a full blown "cant get out of bed" relapse oh too reminiscent of the nasty M.E days when i literally could not get myself out of bed without help... urhhh i shudder to think back to that time. but those days are thankfully in the past. i AM stronger now, but blaming my past health issues, although relevant... they are not the sole reason. are they.

My ED has a big role in my feeling tired. feeling weak. feeling blue... and yes, i know all those sayings, CHECK. ive had all the metaphor speeches from my therapist/nutritionist yadda yadda yadda. my body is a car, needs petrol to run, yup. food is fuel. re-fuel your body. uh-huh. Its a simple case of been there, heard that. it goes in and i feel encouraged, then somewhere along the line... poof. its straight out the window again, usually as soon as i go back to my "real" life. the one where i think im ok, but know deep down that im kidding myself. Cos i find myself asking "is this life real???" i dont think so anymore...

okay hold ON a minute!! if this is where you think im gonna start talking to fairies, riding unicorns and preaching that im the reincarnated spirit of my nan's old cat or something then fear NOT!!! Im not quite there yet! But i do sort of feel like the life i lead at the moment is not REAL, like in terms of normality. its not sustainable to a proper functioning happy life. Even tho i cant get my head round the fact that people can be healthy while not exercising or worrying about eating junk food, i know deep down that they DO. And i know that this is far more normal than my way of thinking...

cos life is supposed to come first, right?

Well, i dont think mine does. isnt that depressing? I feel like my ED comes first. it takes precendence over my social life, my work life... everything. and i absolutely, 100% goddam HATE that. why cant i say no? why cant i stand up for what i know is right? am i so weak that i cant choose MYSELF over ED?

Im not sure anymore. i want to wake up and be 'fixed'. i dont want to have the endless burden of this on my mind... its selfish, but i want someone else to take the stress away so i can have fun again! (and please dont use this as a way to say i should go IP, i don have that option open to me, unless i go private which i cant afford. I have toyed with the idea, but i dont think its a flyer)

SO, i make baby steps. and i get frustrated.

But i think this is gonna have to be how it is... a slow process until something in my brain clicks back into place. (im ever hopeful, any day now!) No, seriously tho. i know i still need to push myself, probably more than i do... but its hard to know how, or where to even begin.

I did go out to that staff meal the other day, and it was nice! but then again it was still kindof monitered by ED, i ordered off-menu... very plain and probably no more than my usual dinner. See, I figured it was better to play safe than end up restricting (which was true, cos i managed to eat well all thru that day, probs better than usual... weirdly!) But i feel like i cheated in that i was playing straight into the disorders' hands. I opted for safe foods, i didnt have a starter or dessert like the others, i left early, didnt have any drinks etc.... yes i went. but was i really there, would i have been missed? Maybe. But i felt like i didnt really have fun or let myself go like i would have liked, or like i would have done before i got sick.

I know that if i want to get my life back i have to let go of all these ties to my ED. i need to disregard the "rules" and do what i want. but sometimes i feel like i dont know what i want anymore... i certainly dont seem to know whats good for me! My legs hurt, my knees ache, im tired even tho i havent DONE much today, Oh but you better believe i still made sure i took my dog out for her morning and afternoon walks (after doing my strength stretching in the morning...) i tried not to, but hey, guess what. i did it anyway - just in case...

JUST IN CASE WHAT?!?!?!?!

in case i suddenly turn into a wobbly mess cos i didnt do a few abs exercises?! Purleeeease. it even sounds ridiculous to ME! normal people dont neeeeeed to do this. they maybe do some strength training twice a week, no biggie. i asked my mum and she said she didnt do any stretching for 40years! and shes fine! why do i beat myself up about it?

learning to love myself through my tights?!

Well... its a start!!!

I am trying to convince myself that its better to at least TRY to stop everything for now. my body is clearly not up to it as i am finding it hard to muster the energy to do much without feeling meh about it. i want to feel FULL of energy, i want to be BOUNDING about like a puppy, not stumbling about like an injured baby dear. I keep reminding myself that if i cause an injury now (which is far more likely when underweight) that i may never be able to enjoy exercise later on... also i wont feel the compulsion to do as much if i know i CAN be healthy doing no formal routine. hell, i walk my dog, im busy at work. thats enough surely? i think im just sucked in by all these "healthy living" types who only eat clean and run 8miles a day. thats not how the majority of people live, so why do i feel i have to conform. I DONT.

AAARH, this has been a long one. im sorry if ive bored you to sleep rehashing some of the gobs of blah that are sticking to the roof of my mind right now, ill try and make this next week a more positive one!!!

Uh-oh, speaking of which.... i should really get my work-face on. i have interviews for junior scholarships tomo morning (Yeeeee!! little people enthusiastic about art!!!! me likey) and then my performance review meeting on tues (this one deserves an EEEEK. im not fully sure what im supposed to be talking about, after he asked me for 3 measurable targets, one of which is numerical. say HUH now?!) oh well... "winging-it" has always been a favourite pastime of mine :-p

After those two work related funtimes, i have some personaltimes, in the form of therapy and a nutritionist appt back to back on thurs... JOY! two weeks of eats to weigh-in. i was up quite abit last time, so we'll see if that has settled. then hoping to see the boy on the weekend! :-) He was away recording band stuff this weekend so it was a little lonesome... arhhh who'd have guessed this self-proclamined "anti-relationshiper would be a secret hidden softie at heart! (im NOOOOT really, i mean. i miss him abit, but its nothing majah okay?! im still tough (ha! as if.)

ok, well im still independent!

i even did my own laundry this morning

:-p

at least i know how to separate my whites & my coloureds!!

here comes another week people...

ENJOY

x