well, it SHOULD be!!
But alas, poor old me has to schlep back into work AGAIN tomo for our first open day of the year. Ooh yes, a morning of coffee-time schmoozing and talking up my absolutely fanTASTICAL teaching skills (oh and here's hoping that the boys toilet doesnt flood again, cos that really WAS a treat for the eyes :-p)
seriously, why ARE boys toilets so gross?!?!
Ahh, sorry to start with a moan, but apparently moaning releases endorphins or some shizz and actually makes you feel better cos if youve got a grumble and you keep it inside, it stores negative energy or something?! i swear!! i read it in the daily mail i think, so it MUST be true... right?! heheh. No but seriously, all in all, its been a good week. Im finding that as i get back into my old work routine, im finding things easier to deal with. I have pushed myself when i feel capable (i still get my blip moments but im trying to talk them out more these days!) and i think i am doing pretty well at the whole "not walking in in the mornings" thing. It was raining the other morning and i was like wahoooooo i dont have to get wet and cold anymore! but then i have a blip day when its gorgeous and fresh and sunny and i see loads of people walking into work and i think GAAAAH IM A FATLAZYBUM!!!! and that makes my day feel pooey. but i try to limit those feelings (or at least only rant them in my head!) Anyways, knowing our country, the upcoming wintery months will surely help with this!
Almost time to crack out the UGGS :-)
Now for a quick shout-out, cos im lucky to have had some truly inspiring people post on my blog, who have helped me in my struggles with this whole eating thing. I value each and every one of you and your advice IS heeded. Just please, dont think that because i still have some of the same struggles going on, that i havent listened to your words of wisdom and tried to apply them to my recovery...! I know every day is different and i have to take each day as it comes and do my best that i can on THAT day (i tend to over-pressure myself by planning too much into the future instead of living in the "now") But sometimes it takes more than one kick up the arse to actually do something. (feel free to keep kicking, i can take it!) I am a very stubborn person (im an aries, go figure RAMface) which unfortunately means that i have an extremely complex battle going on in my head, between MY stubborn side and my ED's equally stubborn one.... its like i have to rationalise every. damn. thing. in order to convince myself that the ED side is lies. and even then, sometimes i still cant seem to shut it up.
And i know i havent yet managed to upp my cals enough. I have the information to tell me what to do, i just cant seem to get the wheels in motion enough for it to stick. Its like i cant muster up the courage to just GO for it. The fear is still there and its so used to holding the reins, that i dont quite know how the hell i can bash it down :-(
Some days, i eat like a horse and i actually feel good, like physically, i feel stronger and i know that my body is going "YAY food, i can be alittle bit more alive now" but then understandably the next day, im not so hungry and i eat less. My body says "dammit, i knew it wouldnt last"... and MAN do i feel bad. cos i know that my body desperately wants to run and jump and be alive and healthy like the bouncy little puppy that it is! But im holding it down, im tying the puppy me to a railing and making it suffer cos im scared to let it off the lead! (is anyone confused by my strange puppy metaphor yet!?! i think its cos the mumatron has my little poochums today so im subconciously filling the gap, sorry!!)
Anyway, i know this feeling physically better when i eat is a reassuring thing, cos it tells me that my body is smart and WILL adapt and i wont suddenly expand into a giant flump if i have a little bit of extra food one day! But it also sadly means that i lack consistency like a very inconsistent thing. (i spent a good FOUR minutes trying to think of something that was very inconsistent and the furthest i got was sand... y'know, like when water just seeps into it. random i know. im in that kindof mood) but if YOU can think of something that is very inconsistent that i can use in my very stupid but tres amusing metaphor game (what IS my life?!?!) PLEASE post it, cos im actually wracking my brains here. WRACKING!!! yeah, im gonna end up with a bruise if im not careful!
OookAAAy, CLEARLY im going abit off topic here! this has turned into a grade A babblefest! im gonna chip now before i make a fool of myself :-p
OH OH, before i leave, here's a good one to end it on instead of chip off. (my friend told me this one as we compared our best exit lines) SO!
Bye lovely people!
Im going to make like Anne Boleyn.......
and HEAD OFF!!!!
geddit!?!? im gonna "head off"?!?!?! baaahhahahahahahaha.
i loves it! :-)
ok, enough nonsense for one evening. Proper bye now. ill post back when im feeling less like ive sniffed glue :-)
xxx
I go through better eating days than others as well, Im trying to muster up the courage to keep increasing but its like there is this wall there stopping me! Must bash it down, like you said!Our bodies deserve better!
ReplyDeleteClemmy! I don't think you understand that MOST people with eating disorders show a massive amount of stubbornness. It's one of those traits which are heightened by anorexia - it's the illness which is making you this resistant to change, just as the illness pushes people to exercise through fractures or keep going to school with a ridiculously low BMI. It's not personal strength, it's not willpower, it's not determination - it's the illness. Just the same as bingeing isn't a lack of willpower - that's the illness too. It leads people to do extreme things. You might be an incredibly stubborn person without anorexia, but it's the anorexia which has the greatest hold over your behaviour at the moment.
ReplyDeleteYou have the best jokes :P head off indeed...
TOTALLY agree with Katie. All anorexics are stubborn..which is how the illness gets so strong and is so hard to overcome. I know I'm naturally stubborn but MAN, when I was in the depths of my ED my stubbornness was brought to the extreme...which inevitably meant that it brought me almost to death.
ReplyDeleteI think also when you say 'eating like a horse'...it may seem like that to you, but I can probably guarantee that even on those days you aren't eating anywhere near enough to be gaining. ED is just lying to you and making you feel guilty. Aw sweetie..I really think you should be getting more help than you are. I know I've said it before..but you're still stuck in this situation. I know you love your job..but is it worth your health? All this time that is passing you by is making it harder and harder to recover and it slowly damaging your body inside which if you live to tell the tale, you WILL regret when you're older. Just think about it sweetie..
xxx
So sorry it has taken me so long to comment :(
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the ED being stubborn, and deceiving all the time :/ It is hard, but always just remember that feeling of being able to do more, of being strong, and happy, and know that those ED thoughts will fade away <3
Stay strong!
Scott