tough love

Ok, i havent really been in much of a blogging mood over the past 2 days, cos ive had abit of a wakeup call....

Sunday never happened.

Basically, the p/t boy had a grump out and bailed on me. yup, i got stood up! BOOOOO!!!! Well, maybe it wasnt QUITE that dramatic.... and he did email me in the evening to explain himself (apparently he threw his phone against the wall in frustration! which is lucky or he would have found a fair few NOT SO HAPPY messages from me in his inbox!)

my wake-up call?!

Long story short... he cant cope. He doesnt wanna be just a p/t boy anymore, which i can see is fair enough (me being such a catch n all... hahaha :-p) But its not a proper relationship, we dont see each other nearly enough and i havent given him my full attention cos i have all this other stuff messing with my head. I fully admit that im not a great girlfriend, especially at the moment. I DO care about him, but ive been too scared to open up about my problems and share them with him, so ive just kept myself at a distance... never quite letting go or letting him in. its been really hard on him, cos my trying to protect him from the nastyness of ED has actually meant ive been pushing him away, without giving him a reason why....

its not fair

and i know that....

So we've been having long email messages trying to write down what is in our heads (somehow it seems easier when written in words rather than spoken in confusing jumbles...) But basically, i need to sort my life out. YES ive made progress, but its not changing much. i still havent let go and until i do... nothing is going to change. Its exactly what my nutritionist said on monday.

i can stay doing the same as i am now, but i WILL stay the same.... or i can take a chance and make a CHANGE.

well i think its clear what i have to do.

i always envisage what i would like my life to be like. i picture me and the p/t boy being happy and doing fun things and me not being obsessed about what we will be eating, whether we will be exercising etc.... and i now that it is all attainable, but the one thing i have to do is let go of my ED. simple no?? sadly NO, its not! but if i dont try and make changes, then i know for a fact that it will just drag on and on and the boy will get fed up and find someone who does give a damn about life and living.

So today, i made the change. i shifted my mindset to think that this is it. no fooling around anymore..... i know its not as easy as flicking a switch off in my head and ED being gone, but its a start to tell myself that i can do whatever the hell i like, cos its MY LIFE, not anyone elses.

I ate.

nothing special. nothing amazing.

I just ate.

I wish id done an A grade job and had 3000 cals or whatever and done nothing but sit on my bum all day so i could have ticked all those recovery boxes. But i didnt. What i DID do, was eat what i could, more than usual. faced challenges and took the right path for a change.

The difference is: I intend to keep it up this time.....

consistency : The achievement of a level of performance that does not vary greatly in quality over time

• - his principal problem in tennis has been consistency

(Ahh, if only tennis were the source of my problems!!!)

Tomorrow is a new day, every day will be a new day... im flip-reversing it! it will be a chance to do better than the day before, NOT a chance to "out-do" my ED habits.

Im bringing healthy back!!!

What im also doing is...... GOING TO THE ZOO!!!!! my girlies are coming up from london to visit and since its gonna be a baking hot 21degrees and sunny to boot, what better excuse to make like kiddies and head to the zoo for some fun :-) i just hope they dont stand me up, i dont think i could handle the rejection TWICE in one week!!!!!

Anyways, i hope all of you have a fab day too.... and watch out for me, ill be the one trying to ride an elephant!!! what do you MEAN i cant ride the animals?!?!

Yes, id be the little hat wearing monkey thing....

Believe me, the resemblance is uncanny.

lets just pretend im not steering backwards!!!

xxx