what day is it?!

its...

thats right my sunday buddies, the end of the weekend... but thats ok.

how has your weekend been?

cos mine's been pretty darned fandabbydozey :-)

Im feeling all good and positive at the mo, which is something i surely dont want to waste. I had a slump, ill admit! where i felt that i wasnt doing enough. I wasnt doing enough towards recovering, i wasnt doing enough to help my mum, in short... i felt like i wasnt GOOD ENOUGH.

now guess who told me that, cos it wasnt me! I am fine... sure, im not "perfect". But who the hell is?!?! and who are THEY to tell me what perfection is anyways?!?! I have good qualities as well as some bad, cos im human. im not a picture perfect quality assured product... im a person, with feelings and moods and emotions! So i have been trying really hard to find peace with myself again, and ive found that keeping myself busy and occupied and surrounding myself with people who's company i enjoy and makes me feel good, well...

it makes me feel good!!!

go figure :-p

So, since i had a weekend to spare and nothing (but schoolwork)to do... i decided to make a spontaneous visit to my (part-time) boyfriend! I call him the part-timer, cos it wouldn't really be fair to class him as a proper "boyfriend"... we have been seeing each other for a while now, but casually. Cos sadly my ED (and the fact that he's moved back with his parents so isnt that close) has kept me from seeing him all that often. We talk daily, but i felt that it would be unfair to pursue a relationship, when im trying to focus on ME. I didnt want to drag him into all my shizz, part of me was scared that if he saw the real me, the one who gets upset and cries and gets frustrated and shouts.. well, i was afraid he'd rn for the hill! But he was an absolute gent and said that he didnt mind... that was here for me and whenever i was ready, he'd still be there. (Awwwwww, yes, i know. moving on!) I havent gone into too much detail about my issues... he knows i was ill and that i lost alot of weight but i dont think he knows that it then became disordered and im now trying to recover from anorexia. But then again, he probably does... his sister had to go IP a couple of years ago, so he knows about ED's... she is recovered now and altho we dont really "know" each other, i gain strength from knowing that she's come thru the same thing and still has the support and love of her brother. I dont feel like he's freak out and get all scared... like i imagine some guys would!

So anyways, i hadnt seen him in a while and what can i say... the sun was shining and i felt happy! so i went to share those positive vibes with him :-)

So i think the key to feeling more at ease with myself, is to surround myself with people who are too. Ive spent so much wasted time feeling like im not good enough to hang out with friends, that for some reason my being ill and not being able to be the "party" person i was before meant that people wouldn't want me around anymore. Why?!?! I may have changed, but im still ME! Yes, i did lose touch with some of the friends that i would previously only see when out and about, drinking and such... but those weren't real friends anyway. so its no real loss! The people who love me for me will stick around regardless.... and that is why ive decided that im not gonna hide away anymore. im gonna do what i want, with who i want, WHEN i want (well.... time permitting, i do wanna keep my job after all!) But im going to try and stop pressuring myself into being something else. cos if im not "good enough" for someone, then clearly they're not good enough for me!

And the same applies to ED... if im not "good enough" cos i ate more, or didnt count my cals or had a lazy day in front of the tv, or whatever other stupid little rules it inflicted on me over the course of its presence... well if that makes me not good enough, then too bad... its not good enough for me!

FINALLY i can start to be my own person again, im gonna start listening to myself and altho it will be hard to know whats me and whats not, im gonna start finding out what makes me me, and then im gonna start loving me again :-)

I know im going to gain weight... that part is set in stone, im okay with it, ironically. Cos Ive come to terms with the fact that this weight is not normal, its not healthy and altho i have maintained it for a long time, its not sustainable if i want to live a full and happy life. But despite being ok with being heavier, im still being terribly afraid of the actual gaining process.... i know what i want to be weight-wise, its just getting there that scares me!

But i cant learn to love myself until i can trust myself to make the right choices and give my body what it needs...

So this week im gonna take some of that positivity and feed it into my life drip by drip, like medicine. Im gonna turn my back on the shitty excuses ED gives me and try to ignore the feelings of low self-worth. cos im not a bad person... why would i want to make myself feel like i am?!?!

And on that note, ill finish up and say... BRING ON THE SUN!!!!

i always feel happier when i can put on my sunnies and smile...

Wishing you all a fab week, and if you're feeling in need of some motivation... hop on board and lets rock out this positive vibe wave! (haha, hippy, me.. much?!)

Ahh, those were the days... :-)