ups and downs and sides to sides...

Wowzers, its been a WEEK! i cant quite believe its only wednesday, i feel like ive been through a tumble dryer, im all over the place! im here...

im there...

im pretty much

...everywhere!!!

But right now, im sat in my room finally having some chill-time. its well-needed! But i digress.

My weekend was quiet as the mumatron was away till monday, so i got used to pottering about my little house, doing my thang without worrying about having to put things away (hehe) and sit through "oh-so" fascinating david attenborough documentaries... (did anyone WATCH that giant egg thingamy?! well i did. mostly.... i might have fallen asleep at one point. but hey, no big!)

So monday rolled around, i headed off to work thinking that the mumster would be back late morning to sort out the dog etc and then id go off to therapy and see her at home all chilled, after. Well lets face facts, when do things EVER go as planned?!? (in my life, its a rareity! which is good, cos ED absolutely hates change, but it means i have to deal with that nassssty anxious feeling almost daily... you'd think id be over it by now right?! HA!)

Anyhoo, her van crashed out again so she had to take it to the garage, which meant she couldnt get home, couldnt take the dog out, rang me in therapy and all round generally stressed my little brain out! Greaaat. So when i got out of therapy i was already worrying cos i had to let her in, take the dog out, get my work done and get a snack in and i didnt have time!!!

Arghhh!

I have to admit, i had a little breakdown. i got all tensed up and anxious and i cried.... big old baby tears too!!! ALL i wanted was for my mum to grab me and wrap me up in her safe motherlyness and make it better (how often does ED make you feel like a child?! well this is a MAJOR case of mummy makes it better!)

Well, sorry folks... but she didnt!

i think she was totally overwhelmed and unsure of what to do (she has said that sometimes she feels like i am the more dominant character in our relationship) so she wasnt sure what to do!

*i told her to damn well hug me*

She did.

I felt better :-)

Later on when i was abit calmer i happened to check through my diary for something and BOOM, i realised that i was due a visit from aunt flo the following day. Hmm, GO FIGURE!!! this exact same thing happened last month! (im gonna mark it on a post-it on the run up to next month, its hardly fair on the old woman! hahaha she'd KILL me if she saw id written old!! sorry mama, you know your hot diggity DAMN for your age... many of my male friends have commented! rock on those genes please :-p)

OK shoot, back to the point! (looks like we're set for another ramble- soz!)

Yesterday i thought, Ahhh finally i can get back onto an even emotional level... can i HECK.

Mid-morning (during a particualrly exciting year 8 lesson on Pop Art: "miss why are these dots called BENDAY dots, its sounds like theyre GAY...." yup, i got to try and explain that one - oh did i mention i love my job?! yeaaaaah)

text from the mumatron. My sis (who as you know, is NOT my biggest fan/friend/person who treats me like a human being) needed to come home till today. OH GREAT. i was sooooo not happy. i was close to freakout. She hasnt been back here in months, since my therapist said it was not a good situation to encourage as she becomes very hostile in an environment which she feels threatened by (eg. me and mum living here but it not being a "family" home. so her not having a room, any of her stuff etc...)

I spoke to mum on my lunchbreak as i paced around WHsmiths! (those poor shop assistants, not only do i sneakily read their magazines for free every tuesday - shhhh! but now i was basically blubbing in their birthday card aisle!!) I was anxious, wanted to restrict, wanted to skip my lunch (which i hadnt bought yet) and didnt know how i was going to cope that night. Should i stay in my room, should i make a seperate dinner and keep myself isolated. SO many disordered thoughts, bad bad bad.

But i GOT my lunch, i made myself go and buy something, cos I wouldnt be eating it straight away anyways and i knew that if i GOT it, then most likely i would end up eating it when i got back to work, which i did! yay me. Plus as i made my way back, i had a minute to cool my irrational thoughts down and get my head together.... (i walked past topshop too, which is helping me alot at the mo, weirdly! cos i keep thinking about wanting to wear all the lovely summery clothes in the window and then i feel more motivated to FIT in them! haha, VAIN?! ME?!?!) so yeah. i rang the ma back and said that i would try my best... without freakouts, without fights and minus the nastiness aka the usual SHIZZ that comes along with a sisterly visit!

And as scary as it was to say the words: "DO it. get some nice dinner and we'll be fine." i did, and im preeeetty sure that i could hear a smidgen of pride flowing back through the telephone signals :-p

And you know what, it was fine. I wont go into lengthy deets, cos i realise ive been blabbing for a good old while now! But the mumsy got some wild alaskan salmon from waitrose (it was bright orange!) and then we made pancakes for pudding... most of which may or may not have burnt and stuck to the bottom of our ancient frying pan, but hey. It was A for effort, shrove tuesday and all :-)

All in all, Im pleased with how the night went. I did feel panicky at times, but i didnt resort to old methods to cope with that. I sat downstairs and joined in when i normally would have hidden in my room to avoid confrontation. Cos you know what, if i run away... thats her getting her way! I cant run away from things that i dont like.

Im stronger than that.

Its weird cos im not scared of much, in fact im pretty brave! There isnt alot that fazes me, but when it comes to family stuff (and ED stuff. BOO!) i find it incredibly hard to be the same tough person that i normally am. i need to face that fear in the same way i would face anything else... with COURAGE. cos what doesnt kill me, makes me stronger :-)

What are the little things that scare you?!

And have you found a way of dealing?

Im proud to say my old fear of spiders has been squashed (bad choice of word?!) since the discovery of the glass/paper trick....

TRAP. SLIDE. SCOOP.

THROW OUT THE WINDOW!!!!

you dont scare ME anymore... i have my paper/cup trick!!

Hands down: Best trick i ever learnt!

Enjoy your wednesday eve. You can bet your bottom dollar (pound/euro/deutshmark....) that i will be. Peace has returned to the House (and ive got some killer sky+ tv to catch up on!)

Later Chickeroos

xxx