to IP or not to IP?!

So, i said yesterday that id give you an update on whats going on with the whole IP thing...

BASICALLY....

i saw my therapist on thursday for my weekly appt and weigh-in. Now this was the first time id seen him after he'd been away for 2weeks, so i was nervous to say the least... espescially since the last time id seen him, id lost weight. NOT good :-(

Luckily this time, my hard work had paid off and i was back on the gaining wagon! but thats not to say it wasnt easy, id had a last minute 'uh-oh' moment a couple of days before and panic eaten. which is not what i want to be doing cos 

a) its not fun! despite people saying "wow i wish i could just eat a load of stuff with no consequences".... there are consequences. 

like feeling as big as a house... 

feeling guilty...

feeling like ive failed again...

 b) its not healthy! I need to be eating consistently enough, rather than not having enough and then worrying and having to eat alot more to make up for that.

and... 

c) it messes with my head! I find that if im having a good day, i get used to having more and then its not so scary.... sadly this alos works in reverse. If i restrict or over exercise (even without trying to - hey sometimes is happens!) Then it is much harder to get back into that positive mindset. Hence the saying "its much harder for an ED recoverer to GAIN than it is for them to LOSE..."

So, when i chatted to my T about how id been the past 2weeks, i was honest... I mean, whats the point in lying?? i WANT his help! i told him id been struggling with consistency and support and he brought up IP again. This time, however, it wasnt a threat... he can see that i really am trying, but i just sometimes lack the additional support and advice needed to get thru this on my own. Soooo, he said what with the summer holidays coming up, what did i think about doing a short-term IP? He could negotiate certain privileges, considering it wud be my choice to be there. such as weekends at home, still being able to go on my summer holiday (its already booked!) etc... and just going in for 5 or 6 weeks to get myself started and gain some weight so that come september, i can go back to work a healthier and happier person and with the ability to continue recovery on my own...

I dont know. I mean, it sounds like a good idea... but i dont know whether i want to be full time IP, it would mean missing out on so much and i dont fancy being stuck in a hospital during what looks like the ONE decent summer we've had in this country for years!! 

My T stressed that he was NOT trying to influence me to go IP, he said that it was an option shud i want to take it... He also put across some negatives! Like the fact that i was willing to gain and maybe in a setting where people may not be in the same mindset, i would struggle to be positive and upbeat about gaining weight. Also if i had priviledges, it might mean some jealousy from the other patients who were there against their will... 

So we kindof thought maybe a FULL ip programme was a little unnessecary given my circumstances. But i still want to be able to get some of that support and advice that i would get from IP... so we discussed possibly negotiating a part-time day patient type situation. where i could go there 2 or 3 times a week and take part in the group therapy and the nutrion side of things aswell as eating there, so i would get a better understanding of what i need to be having and what fellow recovers are having. Cos i think one of my struggles at the mo, is that i dont have any comparisons... all the people im around eat normally, so i forget that i NEED to be eating more, whereas they may not. Also being able to partake in group therapy would give me a chance to compare how i feel about things with other people going thru the same stuff....

So once again, im drawing on you lovely bloggers expertise....

What do you think i should do?

Ill be seeing my therapist again on thurs, so i will hopefully find out then whether he's managed to negotiate the part-time thing... I really hope he can cos i would jump at the chance to get bit more structure to my recovery, what with the summer holidays looming. it would be good to have some kindof routine (and accountability) for gaining. 

Im gonna have ALOT of free-time (not many of my friends are around anymore and most people dont get 8weeks off over summer anyway!!!) so it would be good to fill it with something that will help my recovery, rather than just sitting about thinking about what i shud be eating but still not knowing what to do about it! 

I want to do it, i just need more focussed advice than what my therapist can give me!

Which is why i dont think full time IP is right for me... if i cant do it after this, then yes. IP may be the best option. but i think that with the right advice and accountability, i can kick this ED back where it belongs! I dont need to be force-fed or monitered every minute of the day. i am fully on board with gaining, i just need a little help with the feelings of guilt and knowing what my body needs nutrition wise. 

I just hope that they can see that i really want to do this and provide me with that support while allowing me to retain my independence.

And on that note.... 

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY EVERYONE!!! 

Now i know us brits dont really celebrate 4th of july... but if its ok with my American buddies, can i be an honorary celebrator today?!?! please?! i think its such an important day and there is a good message to convey to everyone out there. Plus im ALL about trying to be more independent these days :-)

xxx