when safe foods become scary & fear foods become.... exciting??

Im in a weird old food-mood today guys...

Maybe its the weather - which is also in a proper funk (Yeeeea, do i talk about the weather too much?! haha, cos it really dictates my moods, so i guess its just THERE. i dunno, its kinda relevant :p) But ive been starting to feel like i just cant stomach my usual "safe" foods and since i dont want to have nothing, ive been starting to look at fear foods in a "hmm, how YOU doin" kinda way!

I started getting it last week... after i came back from half term ive been really wanting to step up my recovery game. And altho i made changes last week (no more walking in my breaks, only INTO work and BACK) This week i feel like i need to make another step. Its like i know that my time is NOW, i dont want to hang about anymore and i certainly dont have time to waste! Anyway, im sooo bored of the "rules" and the "rigidity". And to be honest, im getting sick and tired of doing the same things, eating the same things, being stuck in freaking groundhog day... its so predicatable. Day In - Day Out... theres gotta be more to life than this!!! So i want to start changing things up, cos why not? If its hard to eat my normal stuff and its hard to eat scary stuff. then its gonna be hard either way! i might as well go with the hard that might just get me a step closer to happy, right?! 

Cos sometimes its just so frustrating... ill go down to make dinner and its like choosing is mentally painful! when i have zero appetite and i dont really crave anything, i just stand there like a lemon cos i dont know what to make! then i get kindof repulsed by it all and i have to almost "food porn" myself to get hungry!!!

Umm, has anyone else experienced this?!

Co its horrible! I know i have to eat, even if it does turn my stomach (luckily ive found that when you start eating, most of the time the food-repulsion feeling eases) so i just end up making the same old stuff cos its easy and altho i do genuinely LIKE it... it doesnt whet my appetite and i dont get much excitement about eating :( Not to mention the fact that it doesnt really challenge my anorexia....

Which is where today comes in... Cos lately ive been wanting to just, i dunno... just go balls to the wall and eat SCARY foods. Like this morning for example - i didnt really feel hungry at my morning break, but i knew i had to have something. so i uhhmed and ahhed about what i wanted (i have a few snackbars and bits and bobs to choose from in my desk at work) but nothing took my fancy. In fact i just really couldnt be arsed! Now the OLD me wouldve used that as an excise to skip it altogether and i wont lie... i was tempted! Mainly cos i thought i could just make it up by having more at lunch... but i KNEW that was risky... cos i get pretty full at lunch anyways and im already trying to add in extras there (OH! i had a totally unplanned pudding yesterday. check me out!!! can i get a woopwoop!! haha, im living dangerously folks!!) But now i just eat cos i know i have to, if i wanna be healthy for Oz, i need to gain weight and gain it NOW. but thats not enough tho, cos eating one extra snack or making sure i have my break everyday is not gonna pack on the pounds. im still only eating very "clean" foods. foods that dont aggravate my stomach and foods that i know and feel okay with...

Its not that i dont WANT to eat other things, i just dont really know where to start... i get scared that if i try to cook them, then i will mess up and it'll taste bad or it'll be a waste cos im only making it for myself... i feel like i could try alot more stuff if i went out to eat more. But i dont feel strong enough to do that by myself and i dont really have anyone else who will go with me :( MAAAAN its times like these when i really miss the boy (yup, him living it up in LA... him who i havent heard from in like a week or so... him who I DITCHED and now, possibly regret???) 

screwed up boy troubles much?!?

GAH! 

as if i dont have enough to deal with in my funky-head right now!!!

Speaking of which, last night me and the mothership had a fight... it wasnt major. It all started cos i need to get a repeat on some of my meds, but they dont just have these types of pills lying around so i have to get them ordered in. So i said id go to boots - but mum said, go to the pharmacy on the road by my school - i said i wanted to use my advantage card - she said id then have to walk further - i said i walk past boots on my way home anyways - she said "oh, thats not on your way home" (implying i was walking more) i got defensive and anorexia jumped in and puffed up its feathers cos i walk ALOT less than i did before and its still more than just "straight to work, straight back" and frankly, what the hell was SHE doing about it?!? urhhh anorexia can be an ugly biatch.

Anyways. the main reason i got so pissed off, is cos it feels like she only ever picks up on negatives and not the achievements i HAVE made. Like did she ever think to congratulate me on the fact that ive stopped walking the 4-5miles each way to work and back that i did before? Or that ive stopped going out in my breaks cos im worried it will make me WANT to walk more? Or even how much of a major challenge it is for me to walk through town instead of around the back by the fields - cos it means people look at me and i have to regulate my speed so i dont look like a crazy speedwalking loon? NOPE - she just goes "well thats alot of walking". Which is ridonk - its actually not even that much!!! its what alot of people do everyday (i see them!) and its probs less than SHE would do if she had to go and get something in town!!! (not that im making excuses... its just how it is)

So, i know its very easy to say "well thats the anorexia talking" and fair play. it WOULD be (and in a way, it might be) So im not gonna bang on. i know there will be people out there who will point out the VERY TRUE FACT that any walking is alot for someone with a BMI under 15... and even MORE so for someone who has an issue with compulsive walking. So dont worry, i know that is perfectly valid and i take it.... but come ooooooon. most people who work a non-office job do some walking! most people wont be COMPLETELY sedentary all the time, surely? (please correct me if im wrong - i know my perception of 'normal' can be somewhat out of whack)

Anyways. ive rambled off tangent again (quelle surprise!) but the somewhat lost message in this jarbled banterfest was that i am starting to stray from my old anorexic "safety-nets". The foods that i once feared are starting to look more appealing, more exciting... If just for the fact that they are DIFFERENT!!! But dont get me wrong, its nice to have favourites and i doubt im gonna replace my love of fruit with a macdonalds addiction... but even old favourites need shaking up sometimes.  And if i wanna get back to the old spontaneous me, im gonna have to start broadening my horizons...

Change is GOOD. 

its scary... but thats good TOO.

Most people will never be fully ready to change, because we are creatures of habit by nature! But unless we make the move to change things ourselves, nothing will happen. You can stare at a kettle till you're blue in the face, but until you turn the switch on... that water aint gonna boil!! (dont you just LOVE my metaphors?! i mean i should write a BOOK or something :p)

Anyways, since one of my bestest Amurrcan friends is a MASSIVE obama fan, im sure she will appreciate me finding and referencing this little gem of a quote...

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” 

― Barack Obama

wise words Mr President.... 

you certainly know your shizz

 :)