friends are for life not just for rainy days

Hellooooo weekenders... is your weekend treating you well?!

Mine has been pretty fine so far, despite the weather (STOP: RED ALERT!!! she's talking about the weather again...!!!) Haha. No, but seriously...

IT'S RELEVANT!!! 

well, kinda... :p

Today was fun. I love hanging out with my buddy, he can be very difficult sometimes and flakey as hell! you literally never know if he will show up or bail out at the last minute.... but then, havent we all felt like that at times?! I know first-hand how hard it is to be sociable when you suffer from mental health issues. And that anxious feeling you get is emphasised ten times over, so i dont judge him on it when he does cry off, even if it DOES mean that my day suffers and consequently my struggles can be affected. but i understand, ive done the same thing many a time and its not something that happens cos you "cant be arsed", like some people might think. Hells no. Its what happens when you cant quite hold everything together... But the upside is that when we DO get together and hang out, we have a blast! We can be totally honest about how we are feeling, we can talk about whether things are getting too much or congratulate each other when we've done something that we KNOW is hard. Either way, its good to be able to reassure each other that we aren't alone and this is not something that makes us 'bad' people... if anything, it makes us STRONG people! So yeah, i always have time for him...

Anyways, our adventure for the day was to go down to my old college and check out the final year art show. which was soooo much fun! I was gonna go anyways, but it was awesome to take someone with me to discuss the work (and bitch about which ones were poo Vs which ones were good) Haha, Art is a competetive world guys and if you dont put in the effort... it shows!!! (dont worry, we werent TOO mean! just a little constructive critiquing amongst pals :p) 

Here are a few of the pieces i DID like....!

distressed & textural mixed-media...

fine-point etching onto metal saws...

word-play installation...

layered drip-paints.

It was pretty strange to be back in my old stomping ground tho, even if it is ALOT fancier now! I saw my old studio space and we walked past the cafeteria where i used to chow down chips and beans for lunch almost everyday.... Ahh, i cant pretend it didnt make me feel abit nostalgic for the past. Those days were so much fun, we were so young and carefree - we had our whole futures ahead of us and it seemed like nothing could touch us.... 

thats not to say that i havent got a future ahead of me now.... 

im still reasonably young after all!!!

But things have changed, back then i had a heap of confidence, yeah it was probably a naive, confidence... built up from having fun and being popular (shallow, perhaps... but i was young, i didnt know any better!) I honestly didnt think twice about living life exactly as i pleased... i wasnt a brat (it kindof sounds like i was!) But i was just a teenage girl doing what i wanted and figuring out my life as it happened. No rules or plans, just rolling with the moment! Not like now - where i live my life by a strict regime, too scared to change but at the same time, frustrated by my lack of change. 

Its hard for me to remember those days, but it IS a good reminder that i still have a future ahead of me... and that future CAN be fun and free and not dictated to by a nasty illness in my head. IF i want it to be. It seems so simple... i just have to take it. But even tho i know im allowed to take it - it is mine after all! I still have to get past the feeling of guilt for thinking i deserve to have that choice. 

On wards and upwards peeps. The mothership has one of her friends from the fairs she does staying tonight... which is good for her (she doesnt get to do social things much) but its already thrown my ED into panic. Im worried about food, cooking, sitting in front of the tv, having someone in my 'space'.... the list goes on. But they are all silly, unnecessary worries. Things that other people wouldnt think twice about. Which i HATE cos it shows me how disordered my brain is.... But i am determined to get on and NOT restrict or hide cos there is someone else here. I will try and continue my evening as i normall would, just maybe with a little more anxiety and a little less relaxation. But thats ok. cos saturday nights are aplenty. There will be other times to chill, i cant have everything "perfect" the whole time!

I guess ill have to fill you in on how that goes tomo :p

moi - aujourd'hui