whats this?!

SHES BACK!!!!

Haha, well hellooooo friends!

Im sorry for being a stranger over the past week... But as you know if you saw my last post (which i must apologise for the lack of excitement and variety - but writing a blog post on an iphone = HARD!) i have been without internet. Its been hard - i wont lie! But as of this afternoon, its back on! Yipeeeee!!!! and the world can start to turn again :p

Ok, i know that sounds a little extreme, but seriously - living without internet is not easy! i forget how much i use it, just to check little things, obvs to do work on, but even just to mindlessly surf when i need to pass some relaxing chill-time. Its like an inbuilt "go-to". But NOPE. it was all gone... zippo. zilch. nada.

Im kindof embarrassed to admit it, but i even kept turning my laptop on again to "check" that i wasnt mistaken! but sadly, all the willpower (and staring with my laser eyes) in the world couldnt persuade it to work. it took many hours complaining to multiple call centre operators in india and then two failed engineer visits last week (cue MORE angry phonecalls from yours truly) and then FINALLY today, two engineers came out and fixed it. Bish Bash Bosh. But why couldnt they have done that last week, i ask you?! Grumble Grumble.... :p

Apparently they were quite pretty too, so the mumatron tells me.... i guess they tried to sweeten us up with a little eye candy. Hmm, no fair! I hope it was all worth it for the mothership, she needs it more than me anyways, i just wanted my internet back on! (hello anorexic lack of libido... arent you fun?!) But yeah, the mumatron decided to come home for literally a night on monday and then she left again today. She wont be home till next monday now and i didnt see her since last monday... That shit CRAY! Its tough for her... trying to make enough money to live on means she's working non-stop. In fact, shes away so much that i almost forget what she looks like! (note to self - must take a mum photo!)

But despite my obvious upset at having no internet, i think it actually did me good...! i felt less consumed with being online all the time, freeing up time to spend with friends (over the weekend) chatting with mum and calling my dad on the phone. but i did find myself getting bored... so my lovely friend nikki lent me a selection of cheesy girly chick flicks to keep me entertained!!! 

Ive also managed to get started on a book! Ive been reading a very interesting story about an anorexic's journey to recovery... called "an apple a day". Its by an author called Emma Woolf (the great-neice of virginia woolf) and i had heard her talk about her ED on a show called supersize vs superskinny (which i dont normally like to watch as it almost glamourises bad diets - both from excessive eating and dieting) But her story intrigued me and so i got the book out of the library... it has definitely given me some food for thought (excuse the bad pun there, i couldnt help it!) 

And if anything, im proud of myself cos i never usually find time to read, my brain is always whirring and i always feel like i shud be actively "doing" something instead of sitting and reading. it seems like a lazy luxury.... and its more of a chore anyways, cos my brain is so hard to pin down! i used to love reading, id get through several books at a time! but these days i literally have to MAKE myself focus on the pages, or i dont get anything out of it.... 

damn you anorexia, for starving my brain of its concentration.

( SORRY - i just had to slip in a quick rant there... aaand, im done!)

So, i may have the internet back but im gonna try not to spend TOO much time on it... i dont want to be sat obsessively looking up ED related topics, exercise amounts and "health" talk all the time - Its counter-productive and it only fuels my anxiety. In order to live again, i need to get out and LIVE! Im still very grateful for the online support and i DO still need that reassurance (so dont worry, im not going anywhere!) But i realise that ive been spending too much time comparing and obsessing about things that dont really matter. I nit-pick and overthink instead of just getting on with things! Normal people go about their lives without analysing and pre-planning every last minute and they're ok! I need to stop hiding away from the things that scare me or make me uncomfortable....

And speaking of uncomfortable! Tomo is our yearly school "trips" day, where the teachers take each yeargroup on a fun trip as an end of year treat. Well, most of the years get to go to a theme park, or to London or to the zoo... But sadly the trip ive been enlisted on, is to an "ecological nature park" - to go pond dipping for soil and water samples... OOOOH stop! the excitement, its just killing me :p

Sexy?! 

in a word. no.

It was organised by the science teachers (go figure) and call me boring, but im just sooooo not up for wading about in some smelly pondwater!!! im hoping it will be nice weather so at least i can just sunbathe and have a kick-about with my form group, but we'll see.... Ive also been told to take plenty of bug-repellant, AND i think its safe to say im not really giving this trip a particularly warm embrace. OH well. its only two weeks till the end of term.... i cant really complain :)

wish me luck tomo guys!

as long as i dont fall into the pond or get bitten to pieces by bugs...  

...ill be happy!