half term update

Well folks, its nearing the end of my glorious week of NO work...

its been nice... Busy in parts, quiet in others. Happy and sad in equals. More than anything, ive felt the need to just sleeeeeeep. I swear my body catches up on the 6weekly half-terms worth of early mornings in one fell swoop :-)

I will try and stretch my brain back to what this week has involved, but its been abit all over the place (no change there!) cos ive actually done quite alot, or at least HAD quite alot going on. So lets think back.... yawn. urh, thinking is already making me sleepy. This will NOT bode well for monday mornings lessons :-p

would it be so wrong to impose a lesson dedicated to "sleep"?!?

Right, so last weekend was the sistermajigs bday. thirty ONE... ooooh its a biggie. past the big 30 and over to the other side. the dark side... hahaha, im so mean! i shudt laugh, cos ill be there one day and i BET i wont be giggling about it then!

Well the weekend was pretty much taken up with driving upto london with the mumsicle and then being ignored by the sis as she got ready to go out. Hmphf. Oh well, i wasnt in the party mood anyways, after a bit of a showdown in the local supermarket about my choice of dinner (mum chose a quick and easy ready meal - bish bash bosh. I, on the other hand, piled the basket high with various fruits & veg and ingredients to make something fresh cos heaven forbid i would just eat a ready meal like a normal person. argh, stupid ED, stupid orthorexia, stupid EVERYTHING!!) phew. ok. move on.

But despite a lacklustre evening, which included a VERY uncomfortable non-sleep on a cranky camp bed that i swear mustve lived and died in the war. it was so old and rickety, i would challenge even the deepest sleeper to try and get forty winks on it! (i have slept on STAIRS at a party before, im no princess!) So in the morning, i decided i wanted to make an effort with my sis... it was her BDAY after all. So since i knew mum had left early i went and sat with her while she opened her cards and stuff. it was good, we just chilled and didnt fight and i dunno... i liked it. its always better when its just the two of us and she isnt bitching or moaning or competing to be with mum or something. If it were just us two, we'd probs be alot closer.... but then again, we did live together for a while and that didnt work. she's just too controlling and possesive. i felt like i asnt allowed in OUR flat cos it was HER space. tricky....

Anyways, then she tooted off and i had my haircut :-) i have a love/hate relationship with hair cuts. i know i want them, but i HATE the "getting used to it" stages until it grows out abit... so currently i think i look like a 12year old boy with my graduated bob. but hey ho... its only hair right?!

I reckon this little guy begs to differ... Brrr

On monday the boy came to stay... and ill focus on this abit now, cos he came so we could wake up and be together for valentines day, which was lovely. Really lovely (see previous post) we talked alot about feelings and stuff... my fear of getting close and letting people down.... my ED stuff... food and eating and all kindsof stuff. it was soooo good to get it out. he really is a fab guy. he takes it in his stride and helps me alot, he WANTS for me to be happy, he honetly doesnt care if im bigger or whatever, he likes me for me. which is super cute, but something inside me STILL says that I need to be better, that im not okay unless im the best... Its like i thknk everyone else is part of a secret club where they know how to be happy and succesful and maintain their weight and stay fit and healthy, and i dont have membership... i dont know the secrets and im worried that if i stop doing what i know (ED stuff) then i will just fail almighty. im convinved everyone is doing some kindof magical exercise to stay slim and its NOT just eating healthy and having a decent metabolism. its driving me mad... i dont know why i cant trust myself or the things people say. trust is a big issue for me.

Food wise this week wasnt great. i know i babble about how hard half terms are for me, and i wont go on... but seriously. the lack of routine and set eating times throws me for a loop EVERY time. added to the mix this time, was that the boy really doesnt eat that much! he is more of a night owl, so when he is at home and living according to HIS routine, he will be up all night working on his music and eating when he needs to. So being on MY schedule, he didnt really adapt. He didnt have brekkie, just coffee and then had the odd energy drink or whatever during the day and then ate at night. This really freaked me out, cos i thought "oh he's healthy, he must eat waaaay more than me... he's a GUY after all!" but no. and i panicked. so since he wasnt eating, i didnt eat. BAD BAD BAD! by the end of tuesday, i was a hangry monster and i ended up asking for some space for that night while i sorted my head out.

It was a good thing, cos i shouted at my mum, booted him out and then had a big old cry...! and then i washed my face and thought "WHY am i feeling like this?" oh yeah, cos i havent eaten.

SIMPLES!

so i decided that that just wasnt good enough. i eat less over half term breaks anyway cos i get up later and dont do as much, therefore dont feel hungry or needing of more food (i know this isnt right, but its how i feel) So i cant afford to not eat when i feel hungry... that is just SILLY! so i texted him and said sorry for grumbling and explained that cos he hadnt eaten, i felt like i shudnt eat either, to which he naturally was like "DOH, i didnt even realise!" i didnt want to make him feel bad, but i wanted him to be aware... and i think that was a brave step. cos its alot easier to just stay quiet and not make a fuss about it, therefore not having to eat. but i dont wanna be in that place, i dont wanna feel like that again. it wasnt pleasant and i dont like being mean just cos i need a freaking sandwich :-p

who's a big scary sandwich?!?!

So the boy stayed till thurs, by which time i was pretty shattered! its not like we did a whole lot, but having someone with you all the time and sharing your space is full-on. i liked it, and i think i did damn well at coping with him being there and consequently not being able to do my usual routines and ED habits, not to mention NO MORNING STRETCHES!!! haha. (ok, so i did them on the days he wasnt there, but still... its a cutback of half, cos i only did every other day this past week!!!)

I know now that i have support and i can be open with him about how i feel and how things are affecting me. but i still dont wanna go too far. i dont want to burden him with it, cos to be fair... its NOT his fight. i know if he could, he would gladly trade places and try to take away the struggles that i face daily. He wants to make me better, but with the best will in the world, the only person who can do that and STICK it, is me....

but boy and i glad to have someone on my side :-)

Now its the weekend and im trying to keep positive, less walking, less stretching. Just cos my routine isnt obstructed by someone and things are back to normal doesnt mean it NEEDS to be back to the old ways. I know im gonna have to work hard to get my cals right back up next week, cos its been poor efforts lately. This sucks, cos its always harder to get back up after eating less.... but im comitted. i dont have the pressure of therapy weigh-ins anymore and whenever ive needed to up my intake before its been blighted by the thought of a weigh-in. So im just gonna go with my MP, eating more if possible. DEFINITLY no less tho. and trying to get the mumatron to supervise (or at least moniter) what im having so i am kept accountable.

I also managed to register with the new gp surgery this week, so i have to go and have my check-up and talk them thru my MOUNTAINS of doctors notes sometime early next week... the sooner the better in my opinion. they always get so fussy about all my specialists and doctors and tests and shizz, so its best they just look, see, freakout and then deal!!! as lovely a patient as i am, im sadly not the "only in once a year with a minor cold" type. My blood and digestive probles require maintenance monitering and thats before i get onto the ED stuff! haha. theyre gonna get to know meeeee :-) but its a good thing, cos this place is literally RIGHT round the corner, so i wont have to get mum to drive me miles to our old docs to see them all the time. it was getting to be such a nightmare now i dont have a car and they werent exactly doing a great job on keeping check on me. Hopefully this place will be alot more proactive in helping my recovery...

WOW, what a long ramble today! i guess i had alot to get out, its been a momentous week. new things, scary things and potential changes to be made.

I was feeling pretty blue this morning. i did some yoga to chill me out, but it didnt work so i went on a little walk to clear my head. I felt better (whether that was me or the ED who knows...) but honestly, just having a big long word-vomit on here has made me feel abit more peaced out! Ahh the power of the keyboard eh?!

Give yourself a pat on the back if you managed to dredge through this, and thankyou.... mainly because i bet your eyes are going wobbly right now! Cos here comes the weekend people. Now if you've been unlucky enough to be working all week, then RELAX! enjoy the days off!

if like MOI, you've had a week of chilled days and sleepy mornings, then GET UP LAZYBONES!!! its time to get back in the groove :-)

what are your plans for the weekend?

What are your opinions on my "secret health society" paranoia?

do you worry that everyone has a special "knowledge" about staying fit&healthy that you dont?